Humor Me

Ten Reasons To Grow Fat


This article is pure satire, and intended for fat activists who don’t understand satire. If you happen to take offense at anything written here, then do yourself a favor and grow a pair after you are done losing those extra pounds.

If advancements in agriculture and farming have proved anything, it is people love stuffing their mouths full with insulin spiking, cholesterol raising food.

People love to eat, especially the Chinese folk, who have made it their life’s mission to eat anything with, without a pulse, which includes viruses, at least ten times over. A very adventurous bunch, who can thrive in any sort of environment, since the creepy crawlies are considered a delicacy for our communist friends from the far East.

Viruses aren’t considered living since they are only active and multiply when inside of another living being – much like the bats our communists friends can’t seem to get enough of, even after initiating a global pandemic.

But this article isn’t about our Chinese friends loitering along the Ladakh border and engaged in a squabble with the Indian military, nor is it about their voracious appetite for creepy crawlies. It’s about the landwhales that populate the western countries, and why it’s a good idea to poke at their self esteem, because satire is something that you have to learn to digest, if you are serious about wanting to become a landwhale.

Think of this article as an endurance training regimen for the mind.

I’m going to say all the nasty things you will ever hear in your short lived life here on this pale blue dot of ours, and successfully enduring this means you are more than capable of handling any criticism people fling your way out of concern for your health.


It’s an Achievement

Contrary to popular belief, it is not easy to become fat. You have to spend hours gorging on high calorie food to reach the all too coveted “Big Mama” status, hence an achievement.

Also, the expense involved is bound to be humongous. You don’t transform into big and curvy Tess Holliday by eating junk once in a while; stuff like this takes serious dedication. Just because it looks easy, doesn’t mean it is.

We always wrongly interpret each other because we judge each other by their covers, and not by the content of their character.

Judging people by the content of the meals they shove down their throats is just as racist.

It’s Easy to Become Fat

Contrary to the first point I made on this article, it is easy to become fat, because I’m a hypocrite all you have to do is stuff your face while you sit on you fat ass that gets fatter with every calorie dense bomb you deploy down your throat.

And because it’s easy to become fat, people mistakenly assume that fat people have it easy.

They don’t.

Fat people have to deal with a lot of hate, thanks to our thin privilege addicted culture. People say fatties are diseased, and that they are spreading the wrong message among impressionable boys and girls, by feeding into their own delusions.

Excuse the pun.

That assumption is purely a result of their internalized sizeism, or fatphobia, which leads us to our next point,

You Can Become a Fat Activist

Leaving the obvious oxymoron aside, you aren’t just an activist who happens to be fat, but a “fat” activist who is fighting for the rights of fatties just like you!

Cognitive bias is the way forward!

Believe it or not, we need more fat activists, to tackle rationality. There are lots of people out there who genuinely believe fat people are more prone to health problems and depression based on studies and statistics performed by medical experts, not knowing that they ought to ignore them and let feelings take precedence.

What these labcoat wearing primates fail to understand is that health and mental problems stem from people’s rejection of their body positive attitude. People are too smart to accept the notion that you can be healthy at all sizes, since its whats on the inside that counts!

 If you refuse to factor in the damage done by excessive weight gain which is a result of all the junk you project down into your bottomless pit. They are so proud of their stretch marks, that they’ve decided to cover it up with glitter.

There are many ways to fight against this form of systematic sizeism. One includes stripping down in public and showing the world that we are all the same when left exposed, as long as you chose to deliberately ignore the rolls of fat that keep cascading a crossyour body.

You ought to virtue signal your fat ass, much like Lizzo did during the Lakers game. Look at her go, twerking her fat ugly ass without a care in the world. That right there is a strong and independent woman.

Her performance serves as a giant F-you to the fatphobic masses. I bet many fat activists started weeping with joy after seeing how brave Lizzo was to expose herself like that.

I couldn’t stop weeping either.
Blood, that is.

You Become a Source of Inspiration

As if working for money wasn’t bad enough, people are encouraged to work out to maintain tip top shape. But you’re smarter than that, and know when people are trying to use you for their own benefits, which is why you opted out of all of that nonsense, and joined hands with the batshit crazy feminists.

Why work at a desk job when you have the opportunity to eat yourself into a blissful coma? You can make money doing the things you love.

While others are fooled into working out for their “good health”, whatever that means, you are playing it smart by conserving whatever energy you have, for the food gobbling that will ensue once that tummy starts to rumble and set off a series of seismic waves strong enough to topple over a city or two.

Not many people choose the curvy life, which is why it is crucial for you to wobble up to that stage and show the world that there is nothing wrong with wanting to live life the way you want to.

You have to spread the message, and encourage everyone to give into their baser instincts. Why all the restriction? Whats wrong with eating? Its perfectly natural to eat. There are no extremes when it comes to eating, since we eat to survive.

So when people watch you eat, they are immediately drawn to you. They can’t believe how easy it is for you to swallow that entire cake and still have room left for food that could feed an entire village down in Mozambique for a week.

It’s breathtaking, to say the least.

They will watch, out of intrigue, which slowly turns into admiration, and which slowly turns into more YouTube views you can monetize for your fat ass to grow bigger on.

Speaking of YouTube,

You Can Make it Big Online

With such a massive presence offline, you are bound to have an equally massive presence online. Also, the effect will be more pronounced since going online is different from staying offline, where you don’t have to move about to see people – the internet takes care of that by drawing traffic to you.

Instead of having gravity do most of the work for you.

Believe it or not, there are people out there who will accept you the way you are, because the way you are is precisely their fetish. Others will be drawn to you out of curiosity and stay in orbit thanks to the gravitational pull you exert onto them.

Going online will also bring people’s attention to the injustice fat people are constantly subjected to on a daily basis, whether it be smaller seats in aeroplanes, or smaller aeroplanes for your fat ass, or people ignoring your sexual advances, or mistaking your sexual advances for hunger.

And that’s not all,

People Will Pay You To See You Eat

It’s like a dream come true.

The internet doesn’t discriminate like Facebook, nor does it fact check like Twitter; Mother internet has space for everyone.

Which also includes Porn.

Welcome to THAT side of the internet

If you are curvy enough, you can become a model.

Yes, you read that right, a Model.

Apparently, there is a subgroup of degenerates out there who jerk off to fatties shoving sausages down their throats, as opposed to the fit ladies of Pornhub who shove man sausages down their throats while also performing gymnastics on those sausage poles because gravity lets them.

Gravity is also responsible for promoting thin privilege.

But that’s not all, these degenerates are more than willing to become patrons to actively fund your never-ending expansion project. As an added bonus, the more you eat, the bigger you get; and the bigger you get, the hornier they become, making your paycheck fat enough to compete with you.

You Can Find Love

Remember how I said there are people out there who fetishize people like you? They are called feeders, and their fetish is called feederism.

And these people aren’t just mere admirers who keep a safe distance from hambeasts such as yourselves, throwing in a few buckets of popcorns to see you in action; they are more than willing to step up to the game and wife you up.

They love you so much that they want to watch you grow bigger and bigger until you are confined to your bed, and you know what they will do after that?

You’ve guessed it, they will feed you some more!

And jerk off to you nonstop.

Thats right baby…keep gettin bigger for daddy, while daddy gets bigger for you…if ya know what I mean.

This beautiful relationship between Horny and the Beast will continue until you decide to stop, or pass away from the consequences of massive weight gain, or as I’d like to call it, gravity induced oppression.

Let’s get real, we know you aren’t going to stop, so chances are you will either eat yourself into a house, or collapse into a black hole once the nuclear fusion from eating all the food isn’t enough to satisfy your ever-lasting hunger.

People Won’t Say a Word

As long as you stay with the delusional freaks who subscribe to the health at all sizes nonsense, you will always hear what you want to hear.

They will call you big, curvy, sexy, and inspirational.

They will treat you like a two year old and constantly lie to keep you in check, because they don’t believe you are capable of making your own choices, hence the constant validation. I’m talking about those skinny SJW’s who think they know what they are talking about when they hurl word salads at each other to justify their inane causes.

But the fact remains, that they will remain loyal and protect you.

From the truth, that is.

You are too big and beautiful for the truth, which is why they actively encourage you to hide your guilt under layers of fat.

There are children out there starving to death, and here you are bitching and moaning about people not giving you the love you deserve for being a fat ass.

Oh the irony.

I deserve love just like everybody else!
P.S. Google Trigglypuff.

You Are Making a Difference

That goes without saying.

You are putting yourself out there, and the media is more than happy to support you, since it’s pretty darn obvious that they profit from shock value and negative coverage.

You are doing the food industries a massive favor, by transforming yourself into a mascot of body positivity while simultaneously shaming skinny women for following a healthy diet, taking care of themselves, respecting themselves, and refusing to give into their baser instincts.

You go gurl! Eat those fries!

You are helping the media, and food corporations draw in more cash. You are acting as a business development manager without the pay, and you have their appreciation for your valiant efforts in seducing the population towards a gluttonous demise.

You Will Die Doing What You Love Most

And what better way, than to die doing the thing you love most? Most view living as a chore, because they have jobs. You on the other hand, have a career. You don’t see eating as a tedious task, in fact you live to eat.

That right there is passion.

Passion is what transforms a job into a career. You only grow and make incredible strides and stretch marks by devoting yourself to the cause, which you have done so successfully.

But others won’t like it, because here’s the stone cold truth, people don’t like seeing others happy. Criticisms stem from their dissatisfaction with life, and these critics only feel better about themselves when they bring others down.

Meh, I called myself out. At least I’m not a hypocrite.

Your chances of passing away increases with every bite you take, but so is everyone else. Yours will only happen faster, so your escape from the misery of staying alive is 100% guaranteed.

What a way to go!

Fought for Fattie rights like her last breath. A hero among heros.

On a Serious Note,

If you’ve made it this far, then congratulations. If you are big Mama obese, or climbing into big Mama Territory, then you need to wean yourself off of those who make you feel good, because that’s all they are good for.

What motivated you to eat yourself into depression, isn’t going to provide you with the power to escape from its clutches. You can’t use a knife to undo the cuts you’ve made on yourself.

Gluttony is a vice, and also one of the seven deadly sins. You don’t have to believe in God to realize this, but be honest, how has your life changed for the better, once you started putting on all that weight?

You need to realize that you are killing yourself. The weight you gain each day is what will be responsible for your inevitable but excruciatingly painful death.

I’ve watched several videos online of people just like you trying to undo the damage they’ve done to themselves, and they repeatedly say that they can’t breathe because the weight of their body is crushing their lungs.

Some of them didn’t have a happy ending.

Yours won’t result in anything of the sort, if you take it upon yourself this very moment to flip things around.

It all starts with a thought, and you sustain that thought by devoting your attention to it. Thoughts feed on attention and grow bigger and stronger, until they can stand on their own.

That’s when the magic happens, and you start leveraging that potential into action.

Start now.

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