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Humor Me

Ten Reasons to Keep Watching Television

Televisions aren’t as popular as they once were.

People these days prefer spending time surfing on their smartphones and tablets, because its much more convenient.

But that didn’t drive televisions into extinction, since nothing beats sitting back and watching your favorite show with friends or family at home.

Here are ten reasons to keep watching television.

#1 Waste Time Like There’s No Tomorrow

They say time is the most precious resource, and just like any other resource, it should be spent wisely.

It shouldn’t slip out of your pocket, and to make sure not a single penny of your attention goes to waste, it would be smart to invest in a television.

The television gives us a plethora of shows to watch, all of which take more than what it gives. Watch all ten seasons of Friends, and your life will have been enriched by a whopping 0%! I know, I can’t believe it either! Where else will you find such a return on investment (ROI)?

It doesn’t have to be just Friends, even shows like The Big Bang Theory which has done a wonderful job of convincing its viewers that by watching their show it will skyrocket their IQ into Sheldon Cooper strata, providing the same astonishing ROI as Friends!

How I Met Your Mother? Two and a Half Men? You can watch em all!

One Piece? Naruto? Pokémon? You can catch em all!

All your imaginary friends are but a click away!

But look on the bright side, you have reduced considerable amount of time by putting it into good use. You’ve spent the only resource you can never get back on mindless crap that could have been put into learning a new language or how to play an instrument; time that could have been better invested.

But really, who needs all that time, amirite?

#2 Best Source of Pointless Entertainment

If you’re looking for a way to pass time by, I recommend wasting spending it in front of a television. Like I mentioned earlier, television offers us a wide variety of shows to gorge ourselves on. Its like stuffing your mouth with Cheetos and gulping down cans of Cola. You know it has no nutritional value, but it tastes so good…

Likewise, watching television does a fantastic job of draining you of all that useless time you have on your hands, just like how all that chips and sugary soda saps you of your health and vitality.

Now that I think about it, they go hand in hand, don’t they? Its almost as if they were made to complement each other.

Stuff your face with fast-food while binge-watching an entire season of Friends. What a way to spend the day.

Friends is a great show OKAY!      

#3 Turns You into a Mindless Zombie

Staring at a screen for hours is as therapeutic as locking yourself in a dark room. Both will make you go blind. That way, you will be shielded from the visual horrors ubiquitous on our Pale Blue Dot. Also as an added bonus, you will be shielded from the sheer beauty that decorates our lovely little planet as well.

Constantly staring at the screen will decorate your eyes with some lovely dark circles, that is guaranteed to draw attention to you. People will notice it and think you were working late, giving them the impression that you are a hardworking individual, when nothing could be further from the truth.

TV can give you zombie eyes as well.

#4 Takes Your Mind Off Your Shitty Job

It’s a fact that most of us get jobs because we love the idea of slaving away 8-10 hours each day, only to receive a handful of peanuts by the month end. But of course, we don’t show up to work for those malnourished peanuts, now do we! Its done out of passion, which is why we look forward to the weekends, to get shitfaced drunk as a way to recharge our sanity and head off on another week’s worth of grind.

But seeing how nutritious alcohol can be for the body, we ought to look for alternatives. That’s where the television makes its entrance, giving us the ability to forget all the crap we were forced to go through during work.

HR was mean to you?

Watch some TV.

The female staff you had your eye on, hooked up with someone?

Watch some TV along with a nutritious shot of vodka.

Someone cut you off in traffic?

Run him over and watch some TV in your prison cell.

Totally worth it.

#5 Programs You to Be a Better Slave

What our world needs most are, you’ve guessed it, slaves.

Ever since the abolition of slavery, people attached themselves to this crazy idea of living in a nation where they won’t be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character. I think it was called freedom or something.

I didn’t fight for your freedom to forget.

Basically what they are saying is that we are all equal in every aspect, which meant we couldn’t enslave people the old fashioned way anymore.

But the rich are smart, which is why they are so rich.

They came up with this ingenious method of getting people to sell themselves off into slavery, by offering them this thing called a ‘job’, which when you think about it, is a euphemism for slavery.

And boy did it work wonders, but even still the effect wasn’t all that pronounced, as the people started to notice how their work environments was a brilliantly orchestrated simulation of slavery.

So they started to push back, and that’s when the Richie Riches of the world developed the television, as a means of allowing their sla- I mean, employees an outlet for their misery.

Ever wondered why we keep watching all those pointless TV shows that has added nothing to our lives, while subtracting all those hours from it? Its because it makes us feel good. Work doesn’t feel good, so we look forward to our tele-drug to help us cope with working ourselves to death, so that we can continue doing it the next day.

#6 Makes You Believe You’re Doing Something Worthwhile

Here you are, slaving away in your office cubicle, looking forward to getting out as soon as possible, and when you do, it is an achievement, until your manager calls you back in and makes you feel like a worthless piece of trash for leaving early, while others stayed back, and were busy trying to look busy to please their manager.

So when you leave the office, after engaging in the “trying to look busy” game until everyone else left, you are thrilled to be free, but it then dawns on you that you have to keep up the same stupid performance every single day until they decide to terminate you for not looking busy enough.

So you rush back home, strip out of your clothes and dive into your couch. Thee you switch on the TV, letting its pointless contents wash over your head, cooling you off for the day.

You decide to bath the mind, before bathing the body, and you believe “I deserve it! For I escaped death today! And anything that is deserved, must be worthwhile.”

That’s the logic that keeps you sane and dumb at the same time.

Not listening to your rational arguments, my feelings alone suffice.

#7 Kills Off Unnecessary Drive

Staring at the blank screen is a form of meditation. Forget buddha, we live in the 21st century. The buddha of our times is found in the TV. You are angry and upset at yourself, not because you work at a shitty job, but because you desire.

You desire a not-so-shitty job, but your reality doesn’t reflect it.

Yet you go on desiring, and when reality meets desire, they conflict and that generates friction which causes you much agony and pain. TV’s wipe those desire clean. Once you watch a couple of shows, it makes you drowsy, which allows you to relax.

Its when you relax, that you let go, and its when you let go, that you experience nirvana.

After which you experience another day of work.

How exciting!

Meditation won’t make your shitty job go away, just a bit more bearable, just like watching the television.

#8 Enforces a Defeatist Mindset

If watching successful people act out their dreams on television won’t convince you that you too can become just like the rest of the crowd, gawking at their performance, then I don’t know what will.

All those actors, with the million-dollar mansions and yachts, going on trips to various resorts will definitely light that fire inside of you; the flame that fuels your conviction that you will never be as successful as they are, and the closest you can get to living like them, is by watching them on television.

Why else do you think people watch shows like The Kardashians?

These are the women most teenagers take as role-models, and we wonder why girls as young as 14 start sexualizing themselves.

Is it because they offer us a glimpse into a world of philosophy that would give Jalaluddin Rumi a run for his wisdom, or is it because it shows us a bunch of entitled overgrown children who splurge recklessly on designer handbags, cosmetics and what-nots?

Its thanks to people like the Kardashians that we get to peer into the window of a hedonistic lifestyle rife with vanity.

Sweet, isn’t it?

While 99% of billionaires had to learn, invest, fail, learn some more, invest again, fail and repeat that cycle; basically slog their way to the top, here we have a group of people who didn’t have to go through those stages, giving us hope that we too can become billionaires, and that it is a cakewalk, as long as we are willing to perform the slutwalk and throw away our dignity.

#9 Get to Watch Other People’s Lifestyle

I’ve pretty much covered that in the previous point, but lets take a deeper look at the Kardashians, specifically Kylie Jenner.

Kylie Jenner became the world’s youngest billionaire, with the bulk of her revenue coming from her cosmetics company. Something that is often missed out is how many fans she had, owing to her TV show, and how those very people were actively funding her rise, by donating their hard earned money to her account.

Why work, when there are idiots out there willing to pay you for being pretty and vain?

People are so depressed with their life, that they spend whatever resources they have to escape from the reality they are living in. They want to escape from it, by playing a role in her rise to the world of billionaires, thinking it will redeem them in some way.

And that escape is sponsored by Televisions!

Sounds pretty great, doesn’t it?

#10 Allows You to Reset and Repeat

2-3 hours of staring at a illuminated screen will tire your eyes out, and swipe your memory clean, temporarily. Like I’ve mentioned, watching TV allows us to enter into a meditative trance.

At the end of that trance, is peace.

You forget what took place during the daily grind, and can let go of all the crap you had to deal with today, allowing you to fall asleep the moment your head touches the pillow.

A convenient way to wind down; akin to pressing the reset button.

But that reset button is attached to a repeat button as well.

And that repeat button will program you to keep swallowing crap on a daily basis, convincing you to keep performing the same actions every single day.

After all, consistency is the key. You can’t let your awareness rise high enough to realize how pathetic your life really is, so draining it from time to time makes perfect sense.

Keep watching sheep, keep watching.
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