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Humor Me

10 Reasons to Get a Body Modification

This will be my 50th article here on Akkolades For The Bold.

Its been a long journey, and am pleased with the progress I’ve made so far. I didn’t think I’d ever reach this stage, but here I am, wingin’ it.

Aooooo Yeah.

Without further ado, lets move onto the topic of today’s article,

10 Reasons to Get A Body Modification

I don’t hate people who get tattoos or piercings.

I make fun of everyone, so if you’re offended by any of this, then you need to grow a pair after you’re done lasering those tattoos off, and pulling out those metal pieces from your face.

Let’s Begin

We see it quite a lot these days.

And there is nothing wrong with it. We live in a country that grants us with freedom of expression. It’s a privilege, and to not make use of it is insincere to those before us who fought tooth and nail for it, trying to make it a reality for us; a reality where we can express ourselves without being persecuted for it.

And its your job to abuse this right to your hearts content, since no one will prosecute you for it.

So lets look at a few reasons to undergo this painful procedure.

#1 Makes You Unique

If anything makes you stand out, mutilating yourself does.

Nothing says sexy like a little bit of body scarring.

Most people know better than to adorn their body with tattoos like it were a mural painting, or with metal piercings like it were a coat hanger, and are quite content with the way they see themselves. When they see you sporting those tattoos and piercings, they know you are from a different breed. They will treat you differently and won’t bore you with their small talk.

That’s because you have unique tattooed all over your body, sometimes literally, and they get the message. They’ll view you under a different lens, making it a point to avoid crossing paths with you, lest your uniqueness spreads onto their children, like an incurable disease.

#2 Gives People a Reason to Talk With You

Its not everyday you get to see someone make the horrible decision of injecting ink into his skin that could one day morph into a cancerous disease. It piques people’s interest, and they will inevitable walk up to you bearing lots of questions in their head, with the first one being, “Why the hell did you get a tattoo?”

You being the unique little snowflake you are, will come up with a unique answer, that goes along the lines of, “It is because I’m a unique individual.”

To unique to comprehend.

Some can be a little persistent, and keep prodding you for a much-detailed description. Tattoos tend to have a deeper meaning to it, so they hope you would enlighten them on it.

But questions like those don’t bother you, after all, you got those tattoos because you wanted all that attention, right? So you explain how the tattoo across your chest of a pony riding across a rainbow, represents a pony riding across a rainbow, and those button tattoos you have around your arm, shows that life has a forward, backward, pause and reset button.

It doesn’t, but it would be nice if it did, right?

Put it on shuffle.

#3 Ultimate Self-Esteem Booster

Body modifications are performed out of high self-esteem. They bear through the pain of getting one, because of what their struggles will bring them.

A surplus of attention.

Maintaining a high self-esteem requires effort. You can’t maintain elevated levels of narcissism by occasionally doing something that draws in attention. When you mutilate yourself, people’s eyes will automatically switch over to you, without you having to do anything other than just walk past them.

It’s a one-time investment that’s guaranteed to provide you with a decent turnover. If the passive income is too less for you, you can always get yourself another tattoo or stick another metal piece into your face. That will shoot your popularity through the roof, and put the spotlight on you wherever you go!

I’m expressing my individuality by covering myself in tattoos instead of clothes.

#4 Attracts Like-Minded Folks

When you go out of your way to express yourself, as you strut around with those colourful arms and metal pieces jutting out of your face, there is a slight chance it could draw some attention towards you. People suffering from the same metal illness will notice, and gravitate towards you, since they share your narcissistic affliction for attention.

Together you can form a community where like-minded freaks like you can band together and maybe one day, run for elections.

Imagine how that would turn out.

“My name is Xeno, and I’m running for president. Don’t confuse my name with Xenophobe, that’s my girlfriend’s name, and no she isn’t a xenophobe, only a racist judges people by their names. I decided to run for president because I realized that change is needed in our country, and change is needed now. It was one man’s dream to…uhhh have four black children…or somethin.

I have three piercings on my body, not gonna tell you where though, and they stand for freedom, liberty and justice. They always remain upright because of where I decided to put them. I know, I’m smart to choose that location. Hehehe.

To show you just how serious I am about my mission, I went to the tattoo parlour last week and got two tattoos, one on my chest, and the other across my butt. The one on my chest, wait, let me just remove my shirt, yeah, ca-CAN EVERYONE SEE THAT? IT SAYS “I AM THE CHANGE”. Let me show you the other one, wait let me just, okay my pants are off, could you zoom the camera in at my butt? It says, “RACISM IS IN THE GUTTER.” Get it? Because its imprinted across my butt and what comes out of the butt? That’s right! Racism!

Wait does that mean by butt is…racist?

And if my butt is racist, then wouldn’t that make me racist?

Oh no! I’m sorry, you can’t have another racist president in power! I’M BACKING OUT OF THE CAMPAIGN!”

No amount of tattoo branding could unbrand his racist ass.

#5 Sends a Message to Society

Society hates individuals, which is why it encourages us to go through school, where they strip us off our individuality, processing out fully functional slaves that adhere to society’s standards and values. It tells us we should stop searching for dreams and start searching for security. It tells us to pursue jobs, instead of a career.

That’s where you step in with your colorful skin, dyed hair and ear, lip, tongue, eyebrow, genital piercings and show the slave what he could turn himself into if he threw away all notion of common decency.

You will be the messenger of degeneracy, spreading your wisdom far and wide as you travel from place to place, leaving your mark there, as your piercings keep falling out of your body from having too many holes punctured into it.

Scientists will collect your dyed hair samples and classify you as a close relative to the homo sapiens. Homo sapiens is Latin for “wise men” while your Latin name will be chromo sapiens which translates to “colorfully wise”. The word “man” was replaced for reasons too obvious to mention.

Colorfully wise, too full of interest and open-minded
to offer anything of value.

#6 Ripens into Something Worthwhile

If you’re wondering that you’ll regret your decision to mutilate yourself ten years from now, you won’t have to worry about that, because by then it will be too late.

You want to know what those sweet tattoos will look like once you’re in your thirties or forties?

They will look like this.

Ages like wine, amirite?

Unfortunately, your body has a self-defense mechanism that helps it get rid of impurities. Whether you like it or not, your body views the ink you’ve injected into your skin as an impurity, instead of a work of art. Your white blood cells slowly gorge on those pigments, corroding it over time.

What you’re left with is an ugly scar. Tattoos only look great right after you get them. After a few years or so, it will lose its charm thanks to your body. But thanks to your rock bottom self-esteem and impulsive behavior, you’ll get yourself another one! Quite the bright little fella, aren’t ya!

#7 Transforms Your Body into a Piece of Art

People perforate their skin with ink and puncture holes into them as a form of self-expression. They view their body as a canvas, over which they brush their paint of creativity over with; charting out beautiful landscapes with all its beauty intact.

 Did your mother fish you out of her with that hook?

Tattoos also have a hidden meaning that varies from person to person. Some had to fight against cancer, and decided to represent those struggles on their skin, and poison it further.

“I had melanoma man, but it is alright, I beat it after a few rounds of chemotherapy. I thought it would be cool to get a tattoo describing it, that way I can narrate the story with pictures. Okay, this is where it starts, that’s me, walking out of the house, and that over there is my car, ignore the semi-nude Jennifer Lawrence standing in the driveway, I tossed her in there to make things interesting. That’s me, riding the car with sexy Jenny, towards my buddy Timmy’s apartment along the piercings laid across my arm. You can think of those piercings as streetlights. Moving on-wait a minute…

What’s with those bumps over there? I don’t remember asking that tattoo guy to add such a melanoma shaped design into my skin…waaaait a minute.”

 And its become foggy too…damn you melanoma!

#8 One of the Best Investments You Will Ever Make

Once you take that road, there is only one place your headed. Self-harm will broaden your capacity to handle pain, and with that comes the benefit of dealing with life’s many ordeals head on. In fact, you regularly put yourself in situations that rarely require your presence, if at all, hurting yourself in the process. You will turn into a masochist and seek pain, like a drug addict searches for his daily dose of smack.

 Pain is good. Goooood I tell ya.

#9 Comes with Added Benefits

People get those body addons to look tough. They want people to know they mean business as they sweep along, dragging pounds of metal and liters of ink inside them. Homo sapiens weren’t meant to carry such materials and that too inside of them. Chromo sapiens on the other hand, do possess that rare ability, but they tend to have a lower lifespan from keeping themselves sedated with all those anti-depressants, and the toxicity arising from the poison they’ve introduced into their body.

If their finances are in trouble, they can always sell their metal off as scrap and get their finances back up and running. They could also start their own steel production sites and turn it into a business, but sadly there is no homo in chromo sapiens which means they’ll let any Tom, Dick and Harry run them over as they fill their open mind with great business deals and offers that only serves the Tom, Dick and Harry’s interests.

 Mike single-handedly restored the economy by donating 20 tonnes of steel.

#10 Serve as an Inspiration for Others to Learn From

They will learn the lessons you were stubborn to learn and divert their resources to pursuing something meaningful. They will watch as you suffer the consequences of straying away from sanity. They will see what free expression morphs into when taken too far, and realize why society put those rules in the first place.

Your heroes might get tattoos, but realize this, they have made their place in this world, and can practically get away with anything. Copying the easy things they’ve done won’t transform you into your heroes. It fools you into thinking you’ve gotten closer to them when in fact, you’re oceans away from achieving anything close to what they have.

Pop-stars are notorious for having tattoos, but those tattoos aren’t responsible for the music, its their life experience that are. Or their lyricist.

Back in the days, sailors, prison inmates, and hookers used to get tattoos. Now everyone is a sailor, been to prison, and sold themselves out on the street.

Maybe you disagree, and still think tattoos are cool.

That’s fine. I’ll keep making fun of you, and maybe you can get yourself a tattoo describing how much of an a-hole I’ve been to you because you decided to get tattoos, and how you “survived”.

But remember, keep everything in moderation. One or two will suffice. You can laser those off without much difficulty once you get your head out of the sand unlike Timmy over there, who covered his entire body with ink and is scuba diving in the sands of the Sahara.

You have a nice day!

 Sexy, but damaged.

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