Feminism Humor Me Rant

Common Feminist Claims and What They Really Mean

Femininity and feminism share the same root, but branch out into separate realms. One flowers into a magnificent garden, giving birth to new life and spreading its fragrance far and wide; while the other poisons the very well that it draws sustenance from; spreading its parasitic roots deep into the heart of femininity, and depriving it of its livelihood.

Enough badly written poetry.

Let us discuss some of the points feminists make while promoting their movement. At first, it may sound progressive and neat, but once I’m done with it, you’ll develop the ocular vision necessary to read between the lines and discover the parts written down in lemon juice that only those wielding the torch of skepticism can read.

I want you to read the statements highlighted first, see if they register in your head as fair, and then prepare yourself for the blasting your about to receive.

Without further ado, lets begin!

Look honey, you have the wrong idea about feminism, let me clear it up for you.

Wow, how original. Its not like anyone has ever attempted to do that before. Go ahead, enlighten me with your flavour of feminism.

And feel free to condescend me into the abyss while you’re at it.

Nudity empowers some, modesty empowers some. Its their choice, so stop judging them for taking the choice they want!

Note: Read that again, and think it through. Is this a fair assessment, or does something smell fishy? Repeat that for every highlighted statement. After you’re done, proceed to read my response.

Apparently taking off all your clothes and facing the crowd with your bare ass is viewed as a form of virtue to some. Dressing up modestly is out of fashion now. These days, people prefer wearing torn jeans and torn shirts. I guess they didn’t want the homeless to feel left out of the fashion industry. How nice of them.

Modesty is what everyone adheres to, and since children are encouraged to stand out from the crowd and become unique, they have decided to jump over to the other side of the fence. Maybe that’s how they ripped their clothes. The fence was a little too high for them, and it tugged off some of the fabric in their leap to freedom, liberty and justice.

Will the next generation decide to take their leap of faith across the fence and completely stop wearing clothes? Will their children take it further, by suggesting that since skin colour is responsible for racism, they are better off with it?

Clothes are for capitalist scumbags! Skin is for racist Neanderthals! Strip them off!

FEMINISM is not about nudity, hating men or being better than them. Its about letting women do whatever they want and not get judged for it.

Feminism is not about hating men, even though that is what its famous for. It is not about nudity either, since they push for slutwalks where women parade about wearing nothing but costumes and duct tape. What its really about is letting women do whatever they want without anyone pointing their finger at them when something goes wrong.

Translation: Allow women to get away with whatever they want.

Divorce your husband? It is obviously his fault.

Cheated on your husband? He probably didn’t love you enough.

Screw multiple partners? STDs are a myth brought about by the patriarchy to scare women away from sex.

Male co-worker earns a higher pay than you do? That’s the pay gap in action.

Yes ladies, its never your fault. You get to have your cake, eat it, and trash the rest of it onto the very society that granted you with those privileges as you hunt for a bigger and tastier cake to feast on. It is the spirit of equality isn’t it!

FEMINOM NOM NOM!

Girls are slutshamed for being comfortable in their body, while men can get away with wearing whatever they want!

Yeah, you see that happen a lot, especially with modestly dressed women. “Gasp! Is she wearing a burkha? How could she even think of wearing something that indecent! She ought to be ashamed of herself! Cover your eyes you whore!”

Clothes perform two jobs. First it keeps the user comfortable, second, it maintains his appearance to fit standards of decency. If it doesn’t fulfil any of the above conditions, then it is fap material for the opposite sex.

“Bu-bu-but! Who decides those standards of decency?” Give it a rest already.

Lets get one thing straight, women who dress up like whores don’t do it because “That is what makes them comfortable.” or “It is a really cute looking outfit.’ They do it for the attention they will receive. Do you honestly think strutting about in high heels, wearing tight fitting clothes, and maintaining a cleavage is comfortable?

With every step she risks slipping and breaking her ankle; with every bend she risks ripping her clothes and with every step and bend she risks having her breasts pour out into display, much to our delight. She goes through the trouble of maintaining this appearance because that’s how she gets what she wants. Attention with a dash of D.

Lets get another thing straight, sex means more to a man than it does to a woman. Most think it is the other way around, but that is not the case. The average man has around 17-20 times more testosterone than the average women. So ladies, you can’t even begin to imagine the kind of torture we have to endure every time you hop by in one of those skimpy outfits of yours. Acting normal becomes a herculean task that even the God Almighty would commend us for.

Maybe that’s why men get preferential treatment in religion.

Make period flow normal!

When was it ever abnormal? Why are you even pushing for something like that, that too, in civilized parts of the world? You know, those portions of the world where men treat women like equals?

Believe it or not, we men also have something between our legs that require special treatment from time to time. They get itchy several times throughout the day, but you never see us making a fuss over how people react with when they see us reaching in to polish and readjust our family jewels, because we know it is disgusting.

Since we’ve taken it this far, lets take it another step further. Those family jewels of ours, they don’t smell like the first day of spring. “It stinks” would be an understatement. Its “fragrance” can even make a Rafflesia go, “You’re driving all my flies into extinction! You need to clean that up ASAP.” And we take Raffy’s advice and scrub it clean without whining about how sexist Raffy was to suggest we take care of it in secret instead of bringing it out into the open and fan it towards everyone.

But you feminists just have to stuff it into our faces, and drown us in your bloody tirades. Men can’t relate to the difficult a woman goes through when she is on her periods because its foreign to them so of course it will scare him when you tell them that you bleed twice a month. The only time we bleed is when we get cut, stabbed, pierced or punched hard enough. Our relationship with blood is different from yours, that’s all.

Deep. That level of insight would give Sigmund Freud a run for his money.

Just because a woman is big doesn’t mean she is a horrible person to be around, and nor does it mean she is unhealthy. Its her lifestyle choice and you should accept her for who she is!

Its understandable, since most kids these days are physically challenged from all the junk food and alcohol, they toss down their throat. Maintaining a chiselled body is out of fashion as well. How your body looks is not an indicator or attractiveness, or health. Its whats on the inside that counts.

Let me narrate a story featuring Big Girl Suzy.

Big Suzy spends each waking moment gorging on deliciously unhealthy food, as she diligently tends to her personality for the right man to step in and sweep her off her feet using a crane or two or four. She logs into her Facebook account, and discovers that her skinny best friend Martha, who she went to high school with, is getting married. She looks at the groom and cringes at her bestie for tying the knot with someone ten years older than her. She also starts resenting her for deciding to start a family so early, knowing she was still in her twenties while that man was in his late thirties. She could have enjoyed her youth some more and thought about marriage at, I dunno, maybe her late forties?

Big Suzy gets bored, and decides to go in search of her one true love she’s been banging on about since forever, by visiting the night club. Once she manages to squeeze herself into the club, after nearly smashing a few people to death, on the way in, she sits in the corner with her family sized cocktail and waits.

She’s on the prowl…and she’s hungry.

She ends up waiting for quite some time, and watches the dating scene unfold. She sees all the guys she wouldn’t mind “getting to know” but they pass her by like she wasn’t even there, which when you think about it, is quite the task when you consider just how much space she occupies.

Think of how our big girl Suzy will feel as she sees all those attractive men swooning over that hot young babe sitting in the corner all dolled up wearing her high heels, mini-skirt, tight shirt and just the right amount of makeup. Think of what that will do to her mentality. Those sexist scumbags are only interested in that woman’s body, hoping one of them can take her back home to do the deed. You’ve worked tirelessly to develop your personality, waiting for the right man to show up and discover your true self hiding beneath all those pounds of blubber.

But those skinny bitches snatched them all away.

Saddened by the outcome, she heads back home, and blogs about Sexism in the Dating Field, criticising skinny and attractive women for being skinny and attractive. To lighten her mood, she heads over to the fridge, pulls out a tub of ice cream and gobbles it down.

After reading that story about Big Suzy, what did you infer from it? Would a woman with such dimensions be viewed favourably? She won’t, and what does “not being viewed favourably” do to a person’s personality? Turns her into the happiest woman alive, and the best person to be around, right? You go girl!

Boobs are just a bag of meat. There are cultures in which women leave their breasts exposed. You don’t see the men there obsess about getting their sticks between them. Get your head out of the gutter you pervert!

Men find breasts sexually enticing in most cultures, including the one you are a part of. From what I’ve read, in Ancient India, only the upper-class women such as Brahmins were allowed to wear tops that covered their breasts to show their superiority. Lower class women weren’t granted that privilege, and if that’s how you want others to view you, then so be it, because even in the world we live in today, a woman who dresses appropriately is viewed favourably than a woman who dresses provocatively because its obvious what kind of attention she is looking for.

Trends may be subject to change, but class never goes out of fashion.

Again, no one is complaining. We will just keep staring until you go off on a rant about how obsessed men are about sex.

Another thing I’d like to add is those women were a part of an actual patriarchy, unlike the imaginary one you feminists claim to fight against. How about this, we will stop making a big deal about breasts after you bend to the will of the patriarchs.

Is that a deal?

Noooobody’s complaining.

All men think about is sex!

This is such a silly argument, not because its false, but because its true. Men are obsessed about sex, and that’s how nature intended it to be. Its not an affliction that has to be dealt with. Look at how badly that turned out as we came up with various religions to control those sexual impulses.

Here’s the thing I can’t seem to wrap my head over, how is that a bad thing for you women? If men are willing to do anything to “be with you”, then who is the one in power? Who decides when the man gets to have sex? I’ll give you a hint, it starts with “W” and ends with a screech.

Women are the gatekeepers of sex.

Plain and simple, but here you are whining about the power you have over us. If you don’t want men to view you that way then do away with femininity and become a feminist.

Make me come and you shall pass.

And my favourite argument,

My feminism is different! Those feminists don’t know what they’re talking about, listen to my version of feminism!

Why, of course it is! Like how the rainbow is divided into many colours, and how the pebbles that line the shores of a beach are of various shapes and sizes, it makes perfect sense. But if thats the case, then feminism is worthless.

So colorful that its painful to look at.

Every movement requires a fixed set of principles to define and guide it towards fruition. If feminism can be defined, redefined, had stuff added to it or removed from it by any Tom, Dick and Hermione, then it is a movement thats doomed to fail. Do communists, secularists, socialists say the same about their political ideas? That anyone can swoop in and tamper with the foundation and pour his own mix of cement into the base?

The foundation of an organisation defines the organisation. If anyone can change the fundamental laws that govern it, then it is no longer what it initially set out to achieve.

A movement that stands from everything, stands for nothing.

Most of these feminists are spoiled little brats. Take a look at the issues they have proposed to solve.

“I dont want to wear a bra because it huuuurts! So I’m not wearing them anymoreeeee!”

“Panties make me feel uncomfortableeee! So I’m not wearing them anymoreeeee!”

Yeah? Well I don’t like working at a 9-5 job where we get paid peanuts, but we do it anyway because it provides us with the money to survive. In the same manner, we adopt our society’s standards of dressing because its what defines us, not your silly notions of how they ought to. And besides, most women don’t have a problem wearing inner garments, why is it only feminists that do? You don’t see men whining about them either.

There are women out there who have to face actual persecution, slavery and abuse, and here you are complaining about bras and panties. I’m not even a Christian but, Jesus Christ.

As a bonus, lets do one last round. Have you noticed a thread that runs through all of the statements mentioned above?

Judgement.

Feminists are paranoid about being judged. They simply can’t handle criticism, and invoke our current Lord and Saviour, Daddy Government, to rescue them from common sense.

Take a look at what feminism has proposed to solve. Its fighting for women’s right, gay’s rights, transgender’s rights, LGBTQGODKNOWSWHATELSE+ rights, fat acceptance, gender equality, gender pronoun equality, etc.

Believe it or not, Feminism was a movement started to help mothers. Now the emphasis on mothers has slide away. The feminism we have today demonizes motherhood and directs all its resources towards making women miserable. Now they’ve started telling our young girls that they aren’t baby making machines, and only their career will bring them meaning.

Sorry to break it to you, but we all are baby making machines. Don’t ever make the mistake of assuming you can handle your biological urges; it is arrogant to do so. They are what drive us to achieve most of what we have. And the meaning you are looking for is found in raising a family together with your spouse, not chasing after some career.

I don’t see anything wrong with being driven by Mother Nature herself to produce something this precious.

With a career, you can support your family and make some contributions to society.

But you have missed the point if all you’re doing is clinging onto career, hoping it gives you what you’re looking for.

Set your priorities straight, or you will end up alone and miserable.

Read, Read, Read.

Read the things that trigger you, it has a modicum of truth that registers in you which is why it elicits such a response.

If you’ve made it to the end of this article, then I have either convinced you of feminism’s folly, or triggered an avalanche of emotions.

Either way, head over to the fridge and pull out a tub of ice cream.

You’ve earned it.

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