Advertisements
Rant

How to Avoid Watching the Wrong Movies

I’ve watched my fair share of movies, and have to say most of them were rubbish. I’ve also wasted time watching TV series, sometimes weeks at a time chasing those episodes to fill my time with something worthwhile.

But looking back now, I clearly didn’t understand the meaning of the term “worthwhile”.

As a Child,

I loved watching Pokémon, DragonBall Z, One Piece etc, also I loved playing games on my PlayStation such as Sonic, Mario Bros, etc. That’s how I spent my time, and that’s all I remember when I look back.

Guys older than me would tell stories of back when they were kids, they would spend their days running around playing sports and returned home drenched in mud and dirt. They recall it fondly.

I’d listen to them and wonder if they were crazy. Why spend your time sweating out in the sun and bathing in all that mud and dirt when you could watch all your favorite TV shows within the confines of your home? Why run around chasing a ball in the sweltering heat, when you could enjoy a Pepsi while playing Mario Bros on PlayStation?

Go out and play? Sorry, I have a sunlight and dirt allergy.

I Was a Little Different

Unlike them, I never liked the idea of roasting alive in the sun. I prefer roasting chicken and eating it. Of course, my mother roasted the chicken, I wasn’t going to do it because I was busy rescuing Princess Peach. Rescuing people is tough work, and I had to keep my energy level up to ensure a successful retrieval.

I never managed to rescue her, and ended up breaking into the wrong castle seven times, before bashing my PlayStation in with the roasted chicken leg out of frustration. No one told me world eight would be the last and final stop, I gave up to soon.

This is why they say you should never give up. Learn from my fault kids, and you won’t end up living with regrets.

My Gradual Entry Into Watching Movies

But as I got older, I started watching movies, starting with Stuart Little then Harry Potter and got hooked onto them. I’d discuss them with my friends, and try to uncover secret messages hidden in those films.

Of course there weren’t any hidden messages, but as kids, we thought there were. If we didn’t find anything, we’d make things up, just for the sake of it.

“Did you know that talking rats actually existed? Hitler hated those rats, calling them all sorts of names, and gassed them into extinction. Stuart Little was one of the few remaining survivors of the holocaust. Just think about it. Why would an orphanage house one measly little rat, without anyone there making a big deal about it? And a family willingly adopts him, telling their son its his new brother without him freaking out and saying, “But Mom! Its a rat!”.

What? He’s a mouse? Oh god, I’ve gotta rethink this all over again.”

Don’t let that innocent smile fool you! He’s here for revenge!

Looking back at the silly stories we diligently concocted, most of them being deeply racist like the one above, I can’t help but cringe. Its not like we hated the Jews, but that it was funny the way he put it.

And that was my introduction into the world of satire.

But Not All Movies Are Made Equal.

I remember the first bad movie I watched. It was so bad, I believed I was watching a horror show.

They decided to film the entire thing by switching the camera on and letting the actors do whatever they wanted. Most of them just sat there, talking to each other. Some even had the nerve to remove their clothes and shamelessly pose in front of the camera.

Also, it looked like the camera guy was the director. In which movie set do you see the camera guy speak with the actors? In which movie set do you see the camera guy speak with the actors while the camera is rolling?

I mean how narcissistic is that?

To make sense of all of it, I looked at the back cover of the CD, to get an idea of what I was watching. The two-hour movie featured a Brunette named Daisy, who lost her dog Pluto, in her one-bedroom apartments.

Yes, you read that correctly.

Daisy loved her dog Pluto terribly, and decided to dial the “Dog Retrieval Services” hotline, to help her find her dog.

In the next scene, a tall black man pulls up into the driveway and walks into the apartment, telling her he’s from the DRS. He proceeds to help her in a rather interesting way.

Daisy: Did you check the cupboard?

Black Guy: Yes ma’am.

Daisy: How about the sink?

Black Guy: No ma’am.

Daisy: Wait lemme, check.

Black Guy: Umm, ma’am, you mind bendin over that sink for me?

Daisy: Gasp! Are you telling me…that you found Pluto?

Black Guy: I think so.

Daisy: Is this enough?

Black Guy: Bend over some more, I think I see him.

Daisy:  How about now?

Black Guy: Oh yeah baby, that’s what I’m talking about!

Daisy:  Then stop dilly-dallying and get to work!

Black Guy: Oh yes I will. Ma’am.

The scene ends with them doing something nasty. What if Pluto was hiding in there watching the entire scene unfold? Wouldn’t that scare the little guy?

I’ve been scarred – my innocence siphoned down the sink.

Moving onto the next scene, Pluto has yet to be found, so she dials the DRS again, and this time a woman named Big Beautiful Wendy walks into the apartment.

They get to work, searching for the dog.

Daisy: Did you check the cupboard?

BBW: Yes ma’am.

Daisy: How about the sink?

BBW: No ma’am, and I don’t think he’d be there.

Daisy: Wait lemme check.

BBW: Ma’am, I don’t think…you know what, lets check out the sink.

Daisy: That’s a great idea Big Beautiful Wendy!

BBW: But ma’am, you’ll have to strip off your clothes, cus you’re gonna get wet.

Daisy: Gasp! Are you telling me…that Pluto might splash about and get my clothes wet?

BBW: Yes?

Daisy: Alright, you’ve talked me into it. I’ve taken them off, is this better?

BBW: Much better.

Daisy: Then stop dilly-dallying and get to work!

BBW: Oh yes I will. Ma’am.

That scene ends with them doing something nasty as well. She kept phoning the DRS who sent creepy looking people in and out of her apartment.

Maybe that’s how Pluto went missing, because she kept leaving her door wide open. Hasn’t it ever occurred to her that maybe, just maybe, her dog might be somewhere outside her apartment?

Or maybe not.

The movie ends with Daisy finding Pluto sleeping beneath the sink. It felt a little odd to me, since they checked that place five times with five different people in five different positions.

If I learnt anything from watching this, is to never phone the Dog Retrieval Services. They are run by creeps who never get the job done, and take payments by having their way with you.

I Thought Movies Were Garbage

While I did enjoy watching the DRS and Harry Potter series, what makes me cringe is having to watch adults cosplay their favourite characters, hold wands and spout gibberish thinking it will levitate the feathers placed in front of them. The only thing it levitated was J.K Rowling’s bank account.

I heard they even made a Hogwarts replica in the UK. Some people have too much money on their hands.

I’d poke fun at those Potter fanatics by telling them that I think Voldemort is just sad at losing his nose after gaining immortality, which is why he carved N into Harry’s forehead.

“Harry, I want you to find my nose. I carved that ‘N’ into your forehead so every time you look into the mirror, you will be reminded of what you owe me. My nose you idiot! You forget already? This is why I carved it there, now go find it! And don’t even think about destroying my nose, you got that!”

Also, I’ll need that Elder’s Wand as well, to pick my nose with once you find it for me.

Then I Watched An Actual Movie

My concept of movies radically changed after watching Pursuit of Happyness. I didn’t know movies could impart life lessons, because the ones I was acquainted with only imparted entertainment and drove many people insane as they wore their old school uniforms and told their parents they wanted to become a wizard.

Unlike Pursuit of Happyness, Harry Potter didn’t teach me anything about life. Where in the world will I find a philosopher’s stone that grants any wish I want? At the Hogwarts replica they built in UK? Where will I find a broom that will allow me to glide across the sky without splattering onto the pavement in a glorious work of modern art? Where will I find a flying car driven by a Weasley? Would I even want to find a Weasley in that car?

I wouldn’t want to see someone in the driver’s seat with that kind of expression.

It Was Pure Entertainment.

Just like trashy pop music, we have pop movies as well. They all stem from the pop-culture we are so damn fond of that offers nothing of meaning and imparts vacuous platitudes wrapped up neatly in superficial packaging.

There is little to no incentive for producing good movies, since such movies require the addition of hard truths to stand the test of time. Truth is bitter, and never well received, hence the popularity of pop-movies.

My friends watch these pseudo-movies and recommend them to me. For them it’s a way to pass time by, for me, a way to pass out from severe mental anguish.

Captain Marvel was a horrible movie, and all I’ve seen is the trailer. Its not my fault, I accidentally pressed play and it buffered halfway through so it would be a waste to not make use of data that had already gone.

Even some of my Marvel Fan friends said it was “OK”. They never call superhero movies “OK”, so I knew it hit them hard.

To know whether it is worth watching, ask them whether they’d watch that movie again. If they say they don’t know, then stay away from it. If they say they are Marvel fans, then stay away from them.

I mean really, how many superhero movies, is too many?

This is what I hear most of the time,” Its worth it man; its a one-time watch.”

Those two statements are not mutually exclusive. If its only worth watching once, then it isn’t worth watching at all. Period.

Would you classify Pursuit of Happiness as a one-time watch? What about Enter the Matrix? Must be a two-time watch, right?

Solutions : Sponsored by Yours Truly

Watch Documentaries Instead.

They teach you about the real world, not the fake one you’re trying to scamper off into.

And stop pointing that wand at me.

Read Books.

It gives you a ride into the mind of the author, as he takes you on a journey, drawing your attention to the little things we never seem to take notice of.

Read J.K Rowling’s books instead, you can glean more from her literature, and maybe write your own novel one day.

And put that wand aside, you!

Listen to Various Audiotapes Offered Online.

They will shower you with insights into problems that have been plaguing you for years and give you a couple of ideas on how to live life from a place of abundance.

So you stop watching the wrong movies by investing in activities that actually bring you something of value.

And to top it off, I would like to conclude my article by pissing off the Potter fans one more time.

Voldemort: Say my name baby, say my name!
Baby: I’m sorry but I can’t! You’re the “he who shall not be named”!
Voldemort: Luciferdammit. I didn’t know becoming the Dark Lord would be such a turn off.

Things are getting a little tense between us…She refuses to say my name.
Advertisements

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: