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Humor Me

Ten Excuses to Stay Away From Gym

Some of your buddies love working out and stay in perfect shape. They encourage everyone to start lifting to bring out a better you for the world to shower its praises upon. But you couldn’t give a damn about how many kilograms he squats, benches, chairs, or tables, and is currently looking for excuses to not hit the gym.

Excuses persuasive enough to convince Mr.Musclehead squatting over there that it’s a complete waste of time.

Don’t worry though, I’ve got you covered.

Infact, I have compiled a list of ten excuses you can use to ward those protein gulping monsters away, and hopefully proselytize a few to your side.

#1 Its Painful

I got a boo-boo! No one said I would get a boo-boo from this!

People often say, “No pain, no gain” thinking it will encourage people to make radical changes that will benefit them in the long run. Everyone falls for it, everyone except you, because you’re smarter than that. You’ve seen through their ploy, and know the only gain that’s happening is on their side. When you work extra hours at the office, who benefits? You or the company who gets most of its work done, allowing them to grab more orders because some fool thought it will benefit him?

What is pain? It’s a message your body is sending you to “STOP DOING WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING” because it hurts the body. Your body likes the idea of staying alive, and warns you with pain to avoid situations that could potentially cut your life in half. You know what kind of people keep pushing themselves into pain?

A Masochist.

Do you like the idea of becoming a masochist? I think not.

You want to know what other kind of people put themselves in pain?

People who are suicidal. By the way, if you’re feeling suicidal, kindly refer my article “Ten Ways to Kill Yourself”.

I believe you will find it resourceful, provided you have a sense of humor and don’t actually put any of them into practice.

#2 More Laundry

Smells like the second coming of the black plague.

All the sweat you build up working out at the gym isn’t going to remain there. You take it along with you. It seeps into your dress and gives off quite a fragrance. Forget bug sprays, drench yourself in sweat and it will even ward off the devil himself.

You end up having to waste more time washing those clothes. That leads to two problems, first is the obvious time that lost in washing that mountain of perfumed clothes, and second, the water that is lost.

All that precious water that could have quenched the thirst of those poor children rotting away in Africa is being directed towards your laundry. Could you get any more selfish than that? To steal those poor children’s livelihood in order to wash your clothes?

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

All that water could have been direct towards farming and agriculture, and provide those poor African kids with food to survive, is being used to wash off the sweat stains from your underwear.

Really, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.

#3 Expensive Products

Developing an aesthetically appealing physique is hard work and costs a pretty penny. Protein powders, creatine, pre-workout formulas, multivitamins, shakers, gym memberships, new clothes, new shoes, gloves, whole-grain bread, multi-grain bread, organic vegetables, lean meat, bottled water, just to name a few, don’t permeate from another dimension and magically appear at the footsteps of a bodybuilder’s house.

I’m sure money was transacted in at least one or all of those instances.

Its heavy alright, but not nearly as heavy as the financial burden it will put on you.

Living healthy is synonymous to living in debt. You can’t stay away from any of those expensive goodies, because if you do, then all your precious gains will sink down the gutter. Literally.

You’re busting your ass off at the gym every week so that you can bulk up, or cut down, using products that will shoot holes into your bank account.

Not a smart investment if you ask me.

And did you know, protein powder leads to…my next point?

#4 Kidney Stones

Yes. Point to be noted.

Kidney stones are notoriously painful and can send enough pain into your body that not even the morphine that the doctors hook you upto once they reel you into the hospital, can completely block out. Sure, there is the benefit of getting to try morphine without having to live in fear of the police, but is it really worth it? Why not buy some off the black market with the money you were planning to buy that kidney stone coagulator with?

Many bodybuilders have died. Many will say its because of old age, but I know what the real cause of their deaths were. They were kidney stoned to death. Civilisation will only flourish once this age-old barbaric practice has been put to rest, along with those who preach it day and night on our social media alters.

Moral of the story, don’t get kidney stones.

Indirect moral of the story, don’t drink protein shakes.

Stick to these for the time-being.

#5 Can’t Enjoy Alcohol

Once you enter into the body-building arena, you can’t turn back.

Because you’d be too bloated with all them gains to do so.

Once you decide to turn your life around, you forgo drugs, except the ones that get you super bulked up, and the occasional morphine injection.

Alcohol will cut down your gains in half; the gains you spend large amounts of blood, sweat, tears and not to mention money, on.

While your buddies are out clubbing and getting laid using this magical elixir of seduction, you are busy working it out at the gym, sweating into the carpets.

Ahh… nothing like a glass of beer to wash down all that protein powder with. Wait, I can’t do that.

#6 The Place Itself Reeks of Something Nasty

It’s the only place where you find fully grown men wearing shirts made out of few strings of cloth.

It’s the only place where men struggle hard enough to look like they’re about to explode, inciting jealousy among the most ambitious of suicide bombers.

It’s the only place you see men adopt awkward poses that scare experienced yoga masters away.

It’s the only place where men compliment each other while touching their sweaty bodies.

It’s the only place where you’ll find a upper class French girl wanting you to sketch her naked body and have steamy hot sex inside a car. Oh wait, that was Titanic.

It’s the only place where your chances of getting hit by an Icebe- Oh wait, that was Titanic too.

I wouldn’t be surprised if some confused it for a paradise for gay men. Maybe we should station a collection of French girls reeling off the entrance, just to ward off that confusion.

You look like you need some help with that. Let me pump some life back into your workouts.

#7 Can’t Eat Your Favorite Foods

Burgers, burritos, chipotle, hotdogs, fried chicken, broasted chicken, fries, ice creams, cakes, cupcakes, sugary sodas; fast foods in general, have to go. You can’t have that burrito and walk into the gym. Think of the kind of pollution it will cause, and the number of deaths that will ensue once the burrito lying dormant in your gut decides to go on the offense, and gas everyone in your vicinity. Hitler never thought of that, did he?

Junk food won’t provide you with the essential nutrients you require to put on the right kind of mass. Junk food is our Porn food, and since everyone is eating it, I guess its okay!

Bodybuilders stay away from those things because of how addictive it is. Also, its barren of anything that will help them in their goal towards fitness, which is why they stick to healthy alternatives such as injecting anabolic steroids.

You live life by making calculated risks. Even a miscalculated risk is a calculated risk gone wrong. So stop calculating, you’re no good at it.

Then again, it depends on what type of “bodybuilder” it is you’re trying to become.

#8 Change in Women’s Attitude

Women don’t like muscular guys. Look at all the actors our women are crazy about, do they look like they work out? Do they look like the type of people who maintain strict diets to build a ripped physique for their upcoming movies? Pfft, of course not!

Women care about what is on the inside, than what is on the outside. They are experts at sorting out a person, and experts at lying about being experts at sorting people out. If you are a muscular guy, women won’t flock towards you because you look hot and they want to sleep with you, but because they’ve sorted out your personality.

She’s clearly not interested.

Contrary to unpopular belief, women would rather spend the rest of their life living with the skinny or fat dude, after she’s done having fun with the muscular dude.

No self-respecting man wants this, I mean look at the way she’s staring at him. She is sexually harassing him with her eyes.

#9 More Energy and Drive

Working out gives us a feeling of being unstoppable. It releases all that stress that was built up inside of us, clearing out the physiological trash and leaving you feeling lightweight.

Of course, you don’t want any of that, because you want to remain grounded in your misery and keep your body toxic. You need to have your feet touch the ground, instead of floating about in the sky, thinking it will take you to new heights, which it will. But you don’t want any of that either, do you?

Who needs all that energy and drive? What am I going to put it into? Its like having a boner 24/7. No matter how many times I jerk off, he won’t go down. Who wants that? Only pornstars, which is why all of them are so god damn jacked and ready for action.

Stop showing off already, and get off! Nobody care’s about your calisthenics skills!

#10 Very Slow Progress

You don’t magically transform into an Arnold Schwarzenegger overnight; it takes an iron will to cultivate that sort of physique. And by iron will, I meant an iron needle you’ll need to inject all that steroid into your body.

The gains take years to show up. They add up over the years, and if you skip a couple of workouts here and there, you return back to square one.

Hence it would be wise to ponder on the question, why bother?

A return of investment that lands you right back into the sump doesn’t seem like the smartest option to take. Why invest in a flat that eats up whatever is in your bank without paying back any dividends? Are you looking to puncture the vessel that carries all your assets?

Has my real estate example convinced you?

I’d rather dies than to engage in such poses. It looks like they’re ready for lift off.

As you can see, these are some very persuasive arguments you can use to sway people towards your side of the fence. There is no point in trying to convince the extremists, they won’t budge away from those weights, for they are beyond redemption, and will gladly sacrifice their lives to promote their cause. They’ve invested too much to see it for what it truly is. Its our duty to guide the others away from this path strewn with dumbbells, and towards the path most taken; The path of the average.

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