When you join a new company, your first objective will be to gather as much information as you can regarding what the company does, what its products and services are, what their vision for the future is, and identify the skills required to make it to the top.
That’s how you build experience and make your way up the corporate ladder.
But if you decide to stay low and perform the bare minimum, i.e., do enough work to narrowly escape from being thrown out, then you’d better get used to living off peanuts at the end of each month. To make yourself valuable to a corporation, you have to work your way to proficiency and be open to learning things that may or may not be in your department of expertise.
But that alone won’t boost your salary or give you the promotion you keep salivating over.
Many times, you will have to write a formal request for salary hikes or promotions. Its intimidating, but that’s how its done.
But most of us haven’t been taught to write proper e-mails, which is where I swoop in. Instead of telling you the exact format, I’ve decided to approach this issue from a different perspective.
So I’ve compiled a list of DO-NOTs that you ought to avoid, unless you like the idea of being blacklisted by your company, and thrown out for good.
So lets begin!
Let me just cut right to it.
I work harder than most people here, which is why I deserve a raise. Why do I deserve a raise? Because I deserve one. How do I know I deserve one? Because I know I deserve one. I also work harder than YOU, so you should resign while you’re at it as well. If you find any of this offensive, then its your fault for being so sensitive.
You Know Who I Am
If you take a look at the number of hours I spend here each day, you will be impressed. I check in by 9am, and only leave by 8:00pm. That’s 50 hours a week. Ten extra hours no one else is putting in. I have raised my standard, so it would only be fair if you offered me a raise…What? James spends 60 hours each week? And he didn’t ask for a raise? Dammit James! Stop being so frugal!
Now listen here you! I’ve been up to my neck with work and what do I get for diligently whittling it down to size? More work! You are drowning me with all that stress! I can’t take it anymore! I quit!
Unless you offer me a raise.
Using Foul or SMS Language
THAT’S RIGHT! I’VE LEFT MY CAPS LOCK ON! WATCHA GUNNA DO ABOUT IT?
THATS RIGHT! I’M LEAVING SPACES AFTER EACH LINE! WATCHA GUNNA DO ABOUT THAT?
THAS RITE, IM USIN SMS LNG! WATCHA GUNNA DO BOUT DAT?!
I need some money for my sick mother…because she is sick…Oh god, I’m in tears right now…I’ll also need some money for a box of tissues…*sniff sniff*
Also my dog died recently…didn’t have enough money to conduct the funeral…wait, did I say dog? I’m sorry, I’m just so depressed that I couldn’t think straight. No one in their right mind would conduct funeral for a dog.
I meant to say that my cat died, and I couldn’t afford its funeral…
Positive Emotional Blackmail
Its such a beautiful day today, isn’t it? Here I am, sipping my coffee, and working hard at a job you were generous enough to provide me with. I just had a really interesting thought today while I was enjoying my time here at work. Its an idea that could exponentially raise the revenue of this company.
Not everyone working here puts in the kind of effort that I do, because unlike them, I’m happy to be here. Imagine what a salary hike would do for me. It will enrich my life, and motivate me to work harder, which will help our company grow. Think about it. *sips coffee*
We tend to obsess about the past, and worry about the future.
Gautham Buddha once said, that Nirvana is attained by living in the present as opposed to obsessing about the past that is now a memory, and obsessing of a future that has yet to come. Heaven and hell are here in the moment, and its up to us to decide where to go. Taking up residence in hell is quite easy, and also very crowded, so I’ve decided to move into heaven. Those luxury apartments in heaven cost a pretty penny, and a raise would definitely provide me with that all too coveted pretty penny. *sips coffee*
Selling Your Services Mail
Give me a raise, and I will write you a haiku~
Give me a raise, and I will sing a song for you~
Give me a raise, and I will sketch you, Titanic style~
Give me a raise, and I will *censored* and then *CENSORED*
Give me a raise, and I will do all your dirty work. Yes, even laundry~
Selling Out Your Friends Mail
I have been working here for quite some time, and noticed some of the staff members passing mean comments about you. If you give me a raise, I will tell you who those people are…
Also, you know that guy with the tinted glasses? He said he was going to switch jobs because of how badly the HR team manages things around here. The nerve on that guy, just who does he think he is? He is upset because you didn’t give him a raise, I mean how immature is that?
He should be grateful for the opportunity to work in a company that’s being led by a handsome young man like you, instead of trying to generate hate towards you. He also tried to emotionally blackmail his colleagues into doing things for him, so its better if you kept an eye on him.
By the way, my cat died recently, so I was wondering if…
Timmy(Don’t snitch on me)
Badly Acted Out Terrorism Sponsored E-mail
I have a bomb with me, and only a raise will defuse it. Act fast, because time is running out.
So you’d better provide me with a raise within 24 hours, or else somethings gonna happen. And that something ain’t pretty. This something is Uhh…something very bad. Very very bad.
Osama Bin Timmy
Starting a New Company Mail
I launched my own company, and I would like to appoint you as its general manager. My company’s name is Spearhead Diane. We sell spearheads to people with the name Diane. I know, it’s a brilliant business strategy, it goes to show just how smart I am. And smart people like me deserve that raise, because running a company requires enormous capital…
Business Magnet Timmy
But Of Course, This is The Only Way!
The best way to send an email is by following the format mentioned below.
May God Bless You HR,
Forgive me for taking up office space and thank you for tolerating my presence. I have written an open apology to the trees of this planet for wasting their oxygen on me. Feel free to double my workload, and ignore my existence. I wouldn’t even dream of asking you for a raise, in fact I’m willing to contribute a sizable portion back to you, Dear Leader.
Since I’ve decided to donate a portion of my salary to you, giving me a raise will increase the amount you get from me. Think about it. *sips soymilk*