All of us have experienced this form of powerlessness at least once or twice in their life.
This overwhelming feeling of attraction, that captures your attention and imprisons it in an inescapable trance; is a deadly force to be reckoned with.
The sound of her voice, the way she walks, the way she does her hair and makeup, all of it robs us of the ability to think like a rational person. I can safely assume all of us turned full retard when the “love of our life” walked right past us.
The disease temporarily handicaps us and disables our mental faculties to a considerable degree.
Our “Hi, how are you doing?” turns into, “H-hey, doing you are how?”
Our “Would you like to be friends?” turns into, “I like your friend, please be my friend.”
Our “I like you. I like you a lot.” turns into, “AH HELL NAW, I AINT SAYIN THAT.”
And I know this because it happened to me.
What I Believed Was Mine
It started off as a mild attraction, and slowly gained traction. I’d steal every glance I could from her, but made it look like I was stealing glances from the girl beside her. I forgot to mention that I’m a really bad actor.
She knew I liked her, but since I was playing “pretend otherwise”, she also played along. When I finally had the balls to tell her I liked her, she acted surprised, like she didn’t see it coming. She’s clearly a better actor than I am.
Her friends saw it coming, but she didn’t, and since I had overdosed on love, I thought she wasn’t lying, because in my eyes, she was an angel. Its only after I cleaned myself up, that I realised it.
Overpowered in Submission
She had enormous power over me, and she didn’t even realize it. Or maybe she did, but couldn’t care enough to use it, which when I think about it, is a relief. Think of what she would have made me do, were she to make use of it. I would have morphed into her little doggy, who’d follow her around in the hopes that she’d throw me a couple of treats or so my way as a reward for my obedience.
I had friends who would constantly motivate me to be her doormat, telling me that once she saw how sincere I was, she would fall heads over heels for me. Maybe what they meant was she would trip and fall flat on her face as doormats are notorious for blocking people’s path.
And since I was high on love, I believed them. Thats when I started to chase her, and every time I approached her, I’d behave like a retard. I’d forget how to walk, and slur like an alcoholic. Its a miracle I was even able to maintain whatever 5-10 second awkward conversations I was able to, without getting smacked in the face by her.
A miracle, I tell you.
And I’ve learnt a couple of things along the way that I’d love to share with you, in case you get stuck in this whirlpool of emotions.
The Nectar of Oneitis
Oneitis is a leading cause of pain and misery among teenagers, because they haven’t been taught how to handle it. Heck, even I wasn’t taught about it, I had to learn it the hard way.
Those emotions belong to you. They do not depend on the absence or presence of the individual who triggered it.
Once it seeps its way into you, its yours to feast on.
Obsession is Never Good
You don’t “need” her, even if it feels that way.
People are absolutely turned off by needy behavior; women in particular.
When you chase after the her, you are conditioning yourself to seek approval. You are turning yourself into a slave, and will suffer for it, because you are chained by your uncontrollable desire to have her, while she has nothing to lose, and everything to gain.
Appreciate a woman who firmly tells you she isn’t interested and keeps her distance, because most women when presented with such an opportunity, and most of them will, siphon it away until the well dries.
If they were interested, they’d be the ones chasing you.
Genuine desire is a spark, it isn’t something that can be brought out by showing how sincere and determined you are to make her happy. If anything, that will put her off. No woman wants to be with a man who pleads for her approval.
But you’ve been afflicted with this obsession and don’t see any other option other than to bend to its will. What has she done to receive such affection? Has she supported you throughout to help you reach great heights?
Often times its desperation that puts us into such negative states of mind. “I can’t have her, but I want to, I am willing to do anything, anything to stay by her side”, but does she share your sentiments? Does she see you the way you see her? Will she cherish your company, like you cherish hers?
If the answer is no, then you are being dumb and selfish.
Dumb, because you aren’t taking her wishes and desires into considerations, and selfish because you arrogantly assume you are the best she will ever have.
Forget about everything you’ve just read, and focus on this one question, what lead you to become so desperate?
Desperate enough to browse online for an answer?
Its not love that drove you crazy. Its you. You don’t value yourself enough to let go of a woman who doesn’t value you. If she refuses to respect your desires of being with her, and yet insists or remaining friends, she is not giving you a chance to prove yourself. That’s how women reject your advances while maintaining the illusion of friendship so that you won’t feel hurt and continue to stick around.
Women aren’t evil for doing that, they hate conflict, and use their cunningness to avoid them.
Nice Guys Never Finish
My approach was the Nice Guy approach of “getting to know her” “Being nice to her” then “scaring the living crap out of her by proposing my love for her”.
Guess what happened?
She surprisingly rejected me and to be honest, I saw it coming. It didn’t even hurt when she said, “I’m not looking for a relationship”.
My friends kept asking me why my eyes were dripping, so I told them my eyes were lubricating my face from all the pollution spewn out into the open, and that we had to do something for our environment lest it went out of control and started breaking people’s hearts. They didn’t buy it. That only served to lubricate my face more.
But really, what I’m pointing at is,
No One Looks For a Handicap.
If you’re dealing with someone who suffers from needyitis, it is a strain on your relationship. You don’t attract healthy individuals by begging for their affection, it comes from a place of abundance.
But none of the integration and differentiation my teachers taught me in school could solve this problem of mine, which is why I failed miserably.
Both in the exams and real life.
I didn’t study either of them.
But I’m Glad I Did It.
I don’t regret what I did.
If I didn’t do what I did, I would have lived the rest of my life, thinking maybe she would have fallen for me, were I bold enough to take a chance. I took that chance, and saw it all the way to fruition, and although it didn’t sprout any fruits, I enjoyed the ride.
Maybe the constant stalking was a little too much, but she didn’t file for harassment, so I guess I didn’t cross the line. I was dancing along that line, and lucky for me, she ignored the monkey dancing over the line.
I don’t know where that monkey came from; I didn’t think I’d have competition from the animal kingdom itself.
But Seriously, What Could Have Been The Worst Case Scenario?
Really, what’s the worst she could have done?
Say no? Tell everyone how much of a loser I am? Publicly shame me after I propose my love for her while sounding like a complete retard? Hook up with that dancing monkey just to rub it into my face?
Why, that is no way to treat a retard.
But that’s not what happened. All she did was say no. I took it like a man and walked away. And walked back to her just to be sure. She said no once more, and I walked away again.
Hey, you can’t be too sure of anything, so I walked back one more time. She got irritated and responded with a firm NO. That bothered me a little. It’s not like I was forcing her to give me what I wanted. All I did was ask; she didn’t have to be so rude!
Women these days think they’re so good.
I blame feminism.
The above story is an exaggeration of what actually took place.
She only said no once, and I walked away. From my smartphone. After shutting down my Whatsapp. I was so scared of getting rejected, that I used a smartphone instead, to get my message across.
That’s right, I didn’t have the balls to tell her that I liked her in person.
Go ahead, make fun of me, I deserve it.
that, I took a detour towards the bathroom because some dirt got into my eyes,
and it wouldn’t stop dripping. My chest started to ache like someone had
stabbed me, and I couldn’t think straight. It was a severe allergic reaction from
rejected a piece of dirt stuck in my eye.
That is how polluted our environment is, and just thinking about it *sniff*…
This is why it is important to maintain good hygiene; you never know what can get inside of you and tamper with your health. I didn’t take it to my room, because I didn’t want to soak it up with all that salty water and drown everyone in it. That would have been tragic.
But I did notice something incredibly odd.
Face to Face Was a Different Story
The girl I was pining after was everything I wanted to see in a girl, except she didn’t seem that way up front. She looked better when I thought about her, or viewed her from afar, but the moment I saw her up close, she lost most of the appeal she had in my eyes. Sure, it did induce mini-heart attacks, but many things were off about her.
Its like my mind was photoshopping her and marketing it to me. My mind was working against me.
She Wasn’t as Attractive as My Mind Viewed Her To Be.
That confused me, because I knew I liked her enough to stalk her around my campus like a creep, so I didn’t know what to make of it.
So I became a researcher over at Google Search Engine and started my research on this odd effect I was experiencing. I came across a page on Wikipedia about the Ponzo Effect. What it said is we humans judge object size by using the background as its reference. If you hold up your smartphone in front of a building at a distance, it will seem as though both objects share the same dimensions.
Likewise, if the girl I was crushing on was put into a group of women who were far attractive than she was, I’m sure I wouldn’t have jumped through all the loops I’ve had to so far to get to her. I would have probably ignored her and went chasing after the attractive ones. It isn’t an exact description of the Ponzo effect, but an explanation that seemed to make sense to me.
We look for the best we can get, even if its subjective. You could argue and say people have their preferences, but one thing you can’t deny is there are a set of features that make women attractive across the board.
Long hair, fair skin, hourglass figure just to name a few, are globally accepted features of attractive women. You may not agree but ask any man whether he’d like a woman who was in shape, took care of herself, and always put in the effort to look pretty, and he’d respond with a “HELL YEAH! Where can I find this gem of a woman?” After which you will tell him you were collecting data for your research at Google and dampen his spirit in the process.
Some sacrifices have to be made.
How to Deal With Rejection
Here’s what you need to know.
People have their preferences. If she doesn’t like you, that’s life. Not everyone is going to like you,
But you ‘should’ take it personally.
Don’t stick around.
She has rejected your advances and doesn’t see you as someone who she wants to be seen with. She doesn’t want you as a lover or as a sexual being, and that hurts.
You might be thinking “You shouldn’t take it personally” telling yourself to supress the rage and live like nothing ever happened.
First of all, Fuck you for saying that.
Secondly, you need to feel it.
We have no power over that area of our being, its like trying to reverse the flow of a river using a spoon. Toss that spoon aside and get yourself a boat. Let that raging water guide your boat to meet beautiful women stranded on the other side of the shore, instead of suppressing and wallowing in the gallows of her friendzone. It’s a powerful drive, and if you suppress it, it will drill a hole into your boat and drag you to the bottom.
I supressed mine, and it morphed into a handicap. I grew fearful of women and weaning yourself off that fear is no joke. I still have a lot of work to do, and writing about it helps. At least I can sort things out now, unlike before.
That’s why I want you to show your friends who say its okay to be a doormat the middle finger while you make your way into the nightclub.
And make some new friends while you’re at it.
Don’t Get Physical.
I don’t care how badly she hurt you, or how much you’ve spent on her, do not get physical.
Only a piece of shit with no morals will assault a woman. Say you have a good reason to hit her, like if she scams you out of your money, cusses at you, ruins your reputation, and you proceed to assault her, who do you think will walk back to the station in handcuffs when the police gets involved? If she is toxic, you need to eject her from your base and move on.
Lets go a little deeper into this, and look at some common issues faced.
If we are being honest, its mostly men who get snared into the friendzone cage, so this will be directed towards men.
- “Some guy said he liked me and when I said I wasn’t interested he stopped showing up. What the hell is up with that?”
He found you attractive, made his move, and when you said you weren’t interested, he moved on. He moved on because they had the self-respect to do so, than to hang around as your little bitch.
To him, you were a romantic prospect, and when he decided to invest in it, his move was declined, but you believe he should still invest a sizable portion into you. Why? Because he should? Because its rude if he doesn’t? How so? You think he can see you as a friend? You think if he does decide to stay, that his affection for you will diminish? Or will it increase?
He is attracted to you. If he spends more time with you playing limbo, it will only make him more desperate, and you bloody well know that, but still insist its possible. Makes you feel good to know there is this guy or girl out there constantly showering your ego with undeserved attention?
Oh! You didn’t know he had feeling for you? What a shock!
- “She doesn’t owe you a relationship just because you were nice to her!”
Which is why we move on.
We understand that a woman has her preferences, which is why we leave in search of fresher pasture, instead of condemning ourselves to a life of celibacy. Everyone desires to cultivate and experience the fruit of love, but for that to happen, we must first find a willing partner to sow the seeds with.
And men are taught to be nice to get what they want. It isn’t manipulation, they are trying to get to know you, in a sincere attempt to make you feel good, and hopefully invoke the fragrance of romance.
But no, you don’t want him as a boyfriend, but you want him to stay as a lapdog.
Here’s a shorter version of my response, He doesn’t owe you a friendship just because you want him to.
- “Sometimes they blow up and start criticizing me for not recognizing their feelings for me, how is that my fault?”
Many say women have a sixth sense for relationships. And if they do, they can easily pick up on what’s going on around them wherever relations are concerned.
So when a guy starts hanging around you, spends most of his time talking, chatting, sitting, eating, the whole nine yards for you, it’s obvious that he just wants to be friends. He might drop hints pointing towards his affection for you, but that is just his way of kidding around! Why of course he loves me, we’re buddies aren’t we!
Think of it this way, he was honest enough to open up to you about how frustrated he was with you not noticing or acting like you didn’t notice his feelings for you.
As long as he doesn’t get physical, how is that a bad thing?
How else is a guy who is romantically invested in you supposed to approach you?
Would you prefer if he walked up to you out of the blue and said, “Hey, I like you, let’s go out.”, and will you respond, “Sure, why not person I’ve never seen before in my life! Let’s see how things will turn out!”
Which is why the first breed familiarity with you, before moving onto the actual act of breeding. Oh, too much for you? Okay let me rephrase that, before they move onto fucking your brains out.
But familiarity breeds contempt, so I’m screwed either way.
If it really bothers you so much, or if he crosses the line then cut him off, but be honest with yourself and about your intentions.
Let the Flame Burn Off
This is how I view the topic of undeserved affection. Care to change my mind?