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Parody

Pokémon Nightmares

Growing up, I was a shy kid and spent most of my time indoor, with my eyes glued to the TV. I’d watch all my favorite shows on Cartoon Network and Disney Channel which had some pretty good shows at the time, unlike the ones they run these days. 

I cant help but feel sorry for kids these days. The shows they get to watch are poorly made and lack any sort of variety.

Talk about creativity.

Chotta Bheem, Chotta Bheem aur Krishna, Super Bheem, Mighty Raju (Spinoff from Chotta Bheem). Even the stories aren’t very different. Hats off to the team who keep putting out the same cartoon, and only choose to occasionally change the packaging.

I Was Very Punctual

When it came to watching cartoons, I never skipped a single episode. During exams, I’d secretly watch them after my Mother fell asleep, keeping the volume low and keeping my notes in hand in case she wakes up. It was a life and death situation, and I had to move quick.

Of all the shows I used to watch, the one show I couldn’t get enough of was Pokémon. I loved it and could spend hours watching it, which of course I did. It would put me into a sort of trance and the only thing that brought me out of it, was when my mother starts yelling at me. Or flinging things at me. Just to name a few.

I couldn’t recite my alphabets in order, but I sure as hell could recite all the Pokémons in the order they were assigned by the Pokédex. I could also tell you whether they had any evolution, what they were, and whether they required special items to evolve.

I was a Pokémon master in my own way, but society wanted me to go to school, learn math and science and get a job. I always dreamt of becoming the Pokémon Champion one day, but there were no pokéballs or Pokémons in sight. 

I let my imaginations soar, as I’d dream about all the adventures I could go on with Ash Ketchum, Misty and Brock. Maybe not Brock, that guy always gave me the creeps. He has some serious issues that I will go into later on in the article.

Creepy just might be an understatement.

While I enjoyed watching the show, I didn’t like certain aspects of it and had many questions to ask. 

The Names

The Pokémons were named to sound exactly like their cry. Thats like naming your cat meow-meow, or your dog bow-bow. How are you going to name your goldfish? 

Oh you don’t have one? Smart move.

And some of them didn’t have names sounding like their cries, what’s up with that? A little bit of consistency would have been appreciated. Any time I hear Victribeel screech, it sends a shiver down my spine. Maybe he’s upset because the producers didn’t give him a name. 

FINALLY! Someone who understands!

Who’s Hungry?

Why aren’t there any Pokémon cuisines? With the ridiculously large variety of Pokémons out there, you’d think the chefs there would have already tried their hands at a couple of poke recipes, but all they’ve done is come up with is a colorful variety of edible cubes for Pokémon. How creative.

What about us?

That’s right, I’m here to ruin your childhood memories.

Think about it, do we really need all those Rattatas and Pidgeys running about like they own this place? To hell with that

“This Gyarados fillet is heavenly! Although I can’t say the same about the Magikarp soup…”

“Welcome to Poke Fried Chicken! May I please take your order?”
“Yeah, I’d like six sets of Pidgey wings, 3 sets of Pidgeotto legs and one fully grilled Pidgeot.”
“Would you like some Bayleef fries with those? “
“Bayleef fries? What ever happens to the regular Rattatas tail fries?”
“I’m terribly sorry sir, but we seem to have run out of Rattatas tail fries.”
“sigh, Got anything else?
“Actually we do sir, it’s our latest addition, called Magikarp soup and if yo-“
“NO THANKS, I’ll have the Bayleef fries.”

“This Grimer Slushie and Muk pudding is the best! Honestly, I thought they would taste like shit because Grimmer and Muk literally span from the sewage! This won’t kill me right?”

“Come one, come all! Try our limited addition roasted Areodactyl Chops! Freshly revived at Dr.Oaks laboratory with a prehistoric taste to it! Hurry before they sell out!”

Ash Ketchum’s Pokémon Journey

How many times did he lose? It’s a after 19 season that he finally bags the title of Pokémon Champion. Maybe he wasn’t exactly cut out for the whole Pokémon Master thing.

Sure, you ought to follow your dreams, but 19 seasons is time wasted. He should have went back home and looked after the Pokémon he had enslaved and kept at Prof.Oaks laboratory, maybe become one of his aides, and start earning a living instead of blowing his mom’s hard earned cash on all those adventures.

I wanna be the very best, like no one ever was. So I lost 18 seasons straight. But I made it on season 19, so screw y’all!

Speaking of the Pokémon he has caught and enslaved, what is he planning on doing with those 30 Tauros he caught back in the Safari zone? Is he trying to start a ranch and become a cowboy?

Good luck with that.

Ash Ketchum is a Player

I wanna be the very best,
at maintaining a harem of girls~
To catch them is my real test
To train them is my cause~

How many girls has he been with so far? How many of them were potential romantic prospects?

And don’t give me that “Ash is only 10 years old” crap. You have kids lose their virginity by 13-14 these days.

It started with Misty, who was older by two years. Then May came along and after her came Dawn and then I stopped counting.

Ash clearly has some issues and keeps rotating girls from season to season.

Maybe he can’t bond well with his female companions because of his Pokémon obsession, and keeps traveling from region to region to find meaning in life.

I think the series will end with Ash and Pikachu as a couple. 

Brock’s Obsession with Women

Whether it’s Nurse Joy or Officer Jenny, Brock will try his luck. You can appreciate his tenacity when it came to chasing the same women from region to region.

And they’re all sisters? Twins? What kind of crazy sex where their parents having? And why would they name all of them Joy and Jenny? We’re they really that lazy or just too tired from all that copulating?

Your guess is as good as mine is.

Even Misty concedes defeat.

Ash Ketchum is a Vampire

The Darklord disguised himself as a 10 year old loser from Pallet town.

He started his journey at the age of 10 and 19 seasons later, he’s still 10 years old. Pokémon made its debut back in 1996 with Ask Ketchum being 10. I was born a year later, which makes him elder to me. Today I am 22 years old, but Ash Ketchum is still youthful as ever.

This just goes to show how life is SO unfair.

Now if You’ll Excuse Me,

I’ve gotta catch em all!

My grades that is. I failed a couple of exams because I stayed up all night binge watching Pokémon and could only write my Thermal Engineering exam by using Charizard as a reference.

Q.) How does a steam turbine work?

Answer

A steam turbine works by using the heat it receives from an external source to convert water into high pressure steam, and use that steam to drive turbines coupled to electric generators.

We can use Charizard’s Flamethrower attack to superheat the water present in the boiler to steam, which is then directed into the turbines for energy production. If things get a little too hot, we can always rely on Charizard’s Wing attack to cool off.

I won’t recommend using a Starmie, their Water Gun output is too high and could retard the steam turbine’s efficiency. Convectional air cooling is preferred, which is why Charizard will take over that task. We’ll need a minimum of two Charizards, one to do the superheating, and the other to cool the exhaust steam from the turbine. 

There will be loss of steam from the cycle so a recovery team of Squirtles could be stationed beneath the cooling tower, suppling the required amount while also staying out of sight from the Charizards wing attacking the exhaust steam. The last thing we want is an all out Pokémon battle between the water and fire Pokémons.

You know what they say, safety first!

They thought I was crazy. I bet they worked for Team Rocket and hated me because they knew I’d blast them off into the sky, once I became the Pokémon Champion.

Either that or I’ve been watching too much Pokémon.

You be the judge.

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