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Humor Me

Ten Ways to Kill Yourself (Parody)

You’ve already made the decision to kill yourself, so lets jump right into it. Wouldn’t want to delay the last crucial step in your life, now would you?

First and foremost, write down why you decided to go through with it. People need to know why you decided to kick the bucket otherwise they’ll conjure up some weak crap like “It was probably an accident.” or “Maybe he slipped and fell onto that pavement fifteen stories above from his apartment.”

They need to know how much work went into all of that.

Also, it would be better if the death didn’t entail too much pain, so we’ll include that aspect as well, and select the most appropriate method that guarantees a painless death.

Live with regrets, but die without regrets.
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Now for the methods:

You can skip to whichever topic appeals to you the most, but I strongly recommend going through the entire list.

  1. ##Table of Contents
  2. #1 Death by Knife
  3. #2 Death by Hanging
  4. #3 Death by Strangulation
  5. #4 Death by Poison
  6. #5 Death by Drowning
  7. #6 Death by Car Crash
  8. #7 Death by Jumping off a Building
  9. #8 Death by Overeating
  10. #9 Death by Drug Overdose
  11. #10 Death by ??

#1 Death by Knife

A knife can be used in a number of creative ways. You can use it to cut carrots, cucumbers, lettuce, onions, lemon, chicken and whip it all up into a salad, or you could use it to sharpen pencils, open bottles and hone other knives with which you can put an end to your misery after you’re done chowing down on that delicious salad you whipped up a couple of minutes ago.

Stabbing yourself to death will be too painful. Think of how many times you’d have to stab yourself. Think of the effort it would take to generate enough force to fatally puncture yourself and how long you’d have to wait until death decides to stroll into town. What if the ambulance gets to you first because Death is busy chasing some daredevil teenager attempting to jump across 12 cars on his motorcycle in the neighbourhood?

You’d be in the hospital, while the teenager would be in the mortuary. You’d be where the teenager wished he was, and he’d be where you wished you were. So lets strike that off our list.

It wont make the cut.
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#2 Death by Hanging

I’m sure you’ve played hangman as a kid, where you guess what the letters of a word are while your friend sketches some lines onto a piece of paper. Make enough mistakes and you’ll be awarded with a stick figure showering under a single stream of water. I never liked that game, because I never liked the idea of bathing under a trickle of water. That just sounds like pure torture. Think of how much time it would take for you to finish bathing, and think of how cold it would be as you stood there, waiting for it to completely engulf your body which it never will.

Hangman is a fun game to play just before you get into the real thing. It improves your IQ and gives you a sense of satisfaction after which you walk yourself into the gallows. It’s the ultimate stress buster, allowing you to devote all your attention to the final task.

But before that, hanging yourself requires some preparation.

  • You first need to buy a rope
  • Find a suitable place to set it all up
  • Tie the noose
  • Set it in place
  • Blindfold yourself (Just to get into the spirit of it all)
  • And perform the final task

And things can go wrong.

The store might be closed on the day you decide to buy those supplies. Maybe the store owner is depressed with his life and gets ahead of you and hangs himself with his own supplies, leaving nothing for you. In case you do purchase them, if you don’t tie the rope up properly, the noose could become loose and you’d fall, smashing your bones in the process. Not a good way to go my friend.

Your apartment might not be high enough to produce a force large enough to snap your neck. Instead of hanging to death, you’ll be hanging around; swinging back and forth like a pendulum while having to watch people point and laugh at you from the other side of the building. Would you want your last moments to go that way, with you being a clown?

The movies make it look easy, don’t they? But there’s a lot of preparation that goes on in the background to make it work. And believe it or not, the people in those movies don’t actually die. I know, shocker, right?

So death by hanging has been striked off.

You’re doing it wrong.
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#3 Death by Strangulation

There is a minor difference between hanging and strangling.

Strangling can happen when you hang yourself, but its often undesirable. Hanging is supposed to deal a quick and painless death, but because not all of us have PhD’s in roping typing, it could give us a painful death that takes forever to happen.

Strangling if done right can send you right into the afterlife, but there’s a problem here.  You can’t use your own to hands to strangle yourself. You’d lose consciousness before reaching the goal.

You could get a friend to help you, but that could put him in some serious trouble. May an ex- girlfriend will do the trick as it factors well into the equation. But it would be even better if you could find yourself a mate who shares your desire to visit the afterlife. Once you find him, take him home and get right into it. Place your hands on each other’s throats and start strangling. The first one who goes out wins. Yay?

But…

What are the chances of finding a person willing to sacrifice his life to sacrifice your life? Whats he going to do once he strangles you and finds himself just sitting there holding your lifeless body? Shake you back to life and ask you to finish what you started?

Strangle himself? That wouldn’t work, which is precisely why you called him over.

Unfortunately, death by strangulation has to go.

Don’t bail on me now! We were supposed to go together!
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#4 Death by Poisoning

This is quite the attractive deal. All you need to do is ingest a substance that will give you the killer kick you’re looking for. You could also go on a safari trip in search of rattle snakes, seeking their cooperation. I doubt they’ll ignore your request, seeing how far you’ve travelled just to visit them. Hey, you might even get lucky and come across a wide variety of scorpions that could assist you.

If money is a problem, then take a loan. You’ll be gone, and the bank isn’t going to chase you to the depths of Hell to retrieve what you owe them. You and the devil can have a hearty laugh as you sit there, snorting devil’s brimstone; telling him how the bank was nice enough to finance your safari trip into the afterlife.

If you’re not the adventurous type its alright, you can still get your poison from the local store nearby but it has to be the right kind of poison, the type that doesn’t leave a bad taste in your mouth, and deals a swift blow. Chugging down a litre of detergent will give you a stomach ache. Swallowing an entire bottle of sleeping pills may seem like a good idea, but it’s a prescription medicine which means a doctor will have to assign them to you. You’ll have to waste time conjuring up some illness and wait in line at the doctor’s office to get your prescription.

But whether you’re adventurous or not, both paths don’t guarantee a quick solution to your problem, so wipe forward; Death by poison has been omitted.

*munch* hmm, tastes kinda…poisonish.
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#5 Death by Drowning

If you know swimming, then your body automatically gets to work after it lands into water. Turning those senses off can be really difficult when you’ve trained yourself to instinctly start kicking once you splash into an open waterbody. Since most of us know how to swim (myself excluded), lets talk about how we can get about shutting off this safety feature.

You could tie your legs up before going splash and blublublub. But people will see you drowning, and jump in to rescue you. Some might even catch you in the preparation stage and ask you why you’re tying your legs up wearing nothing but your trunks. You can’t tell him why, otherwise he’d stop you and what good does that do? And its not like you can tie your legs back at home and hop your way to a swimming pool or a river. It will draw attention that could save your precious life; the one you’re trying to throw away.

If you can’t swim, there are problems you could face even then. You will have a difficult time getting anywhere near a swimming pool because everyone knows you can’t swim. “Hey you can’t swim right? Then why are you here? You’re here to peek at the ladies aren’t cha! HEY! GUESS WHOSE HERE TO SOOTHE YOU LADIES WITH HIS LEWD STARE!”

And the water will frighten you. Just thinking of how deep, cold and treacherous it is sends chills down your spine.

Too many holes in this one too; death by drowning is off the list.

Can’t swim, can’t drown and can’t get laid. What a washout.
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#6 Death by Car Crash

Cars are useful machines that can get us from point A to point B, without sweating it out. All you need is a driver’s licence and a car to set out one a journey to city B. But we’re not headed to city B; we’re headed to city A which happens to be the city we are currently in. You don’t have to travel to another destination to get your work done.

A for Afterlife, B for Big-booty bitches, C for…
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We could fast forward and get our work done in way that doesn’t involve using our car. There’s always the pedestrian passing that you could use. You know, the portion on the road that’s painted to look like a zebra? Yes, that piece of modern art.

Creativity is not our greatest strength. -Traffic Police
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If you haven’t noticed yet, there’s a long metal post in the pavement next to every zebra crossing, with a metal box situated on top of it, that houses three different lights. Its called a traffic signal post. It keeps changing colour every 30-60 seconds, just to mess with everyone. I know how glued you are to your smartphones, so I’m giving you a description of the things that actually exist out in the real world.

When its green, the cars get to go. When its orange, the cars still get to go. Its only once it turns red that pedestrians get to cross. Look at the blatant inequality being enforced here. Couldn’t they come up with four signals instead? Why give those cars special treatment? We are living in a democracy, aren’t we?

They tell us we should look both sides before crossing the road. I bet that’s what the whites used to say to the blacks. Well I say screw that! You are going to oppose this automobile racism by putting your life on the line. Or in this case, road.

It was one man’s dream to see men and cars of all colours walk together holding hands. Or handles.

It was one man’s dream that his four children would live in a nation where they won’t be judged by the colour of their rims, but by the content of their car-acter.

I don’t even know if that is a word, but you get the point. Hitler really hated racism, and endeavoured tirelessly to put an end to it all by gassing millions of them. He came to the conclusion that the best way to deal with the problem, was by getting rid of the problem. Its after that he made his famous public speech titled, “I Have a Dream, and its Gonna Happen After 2nd World War”.

Not to be confused with Martin Luther King Jr, this man had a vision.
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Its up to you to bring our leader’s vision to fruition. When the signal turns green, you will fearlessly step forward. You won’t look back, nor will you pay any attention to the bystanders who will yell, “Get back onto the pavement, stupid!”. They have given into fear, and lead a miserable life unlike you, who has decided to put an end to your misery. Literally.

You wait for the speeding car to run you over, and after it does, you’ll be lauded as a hero who bravely stood up in front of a speeding car. And by hero, I mean nutcase.

But then again, getting smashed by a car doesn’t sound like the best way to go, think of how painful it would be, as your guts spill out on impact, leaving you…gutless.

Believe it or not, there are people who have survived car crashes, and you do not want to be one of them.

So lets strike that off our list.

#7 Death by Jumping off a Building

Buildings are notoriously difficult to find if you’re living in a village but since you’re reading this, chances are you aren’t living in one. By buildings, I mean structures tall enough to give the splattering effect once shit goes down; with you being the shit that goes down.

But if you’re in a city, then its all fine and dandy since you’re probably living in a building tall enough to skydive into the pavement. This way, you get to experience the joys of skydiving without having to pay 300 dollars for it, and meet your end in a glorious work of art. If modern artists literally lather random blots of paint onto their canvases and sell them for millions, then why can’t you? Oh, its because you’d be dead. You’d be “one with the artwork”, which when you think about it, is a beautiful way to go.

I’m going away in style.
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But splattering onto the pavement sounds kind of…oh I don’t know. PAINFUL.

That pavement isn’t made out of jelly you know, its made out of cement. Or concrete. I’m sorry, I did my Bachelor of Technology in Mechanical Engineering, not Civil Engineering, so how am I supposed to know what the damn thing is made off? Ask them.

Sigh.

The ending was brilliant, but the price to pay is a little too high.

Moving on.

#8 Death by Overeating

Who doesn’t love food? You think those poor Africans are starving for entertainment there in the middle east? The answer is no, they are starving for food. Food is scarce to come by where they are from, which is why we should learn to appreciate what we have here. For them, survival is all that matters, whereas for us, its entertainment and fast food. People there die from starvation on a regular basis, and here you are, thinking of how bad you have it. You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

I forgot, what were we talking about again?

Oh sorry! I unknowingly tried to get you to reconsider your decision of pulling the plug! Ignore whatever you’ve read above and carry on with your decision.

Where we live, food and water is commonplace. You will make use of this resource to fulfil two of your heart’s most cherished desire. The first one, eating all the delicious food you want, and the other meeting a tasty demise.

Buy whatever you want, whether they be pizzas, burgers, donuts, KFC or PFC and proceed to gorge on them non-stop. Keep eating them until you lose consciousness after which you will get to have a taste of the afterlife.

Believe it or not, I’m on a killer diet.
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But chances are you might wake up after that eating marathon of yours, and notice something odd about your body. It has gotten, umm, bigger. Your body decides to store all that food as fat, which prevents you from dying of hunger. Now your only option is to go on eating until either your finances go down the gutter which is a synonym for your throat, or you develop diabetes and meet a sweet toothed end.

Even this one takes too much time.

Moving on…

#9 Death by Drug Overdose

While I would generally advice people to stay away from drugs, there are some exceptions to the rule; this being one of them.

Drugs can be notoriously difficult to find if you are a decent working-class citizen. You’ve decided to adhere to society’s standards of living like a trained dog, shunning creativity and freedom of expression, while barking at the transgressors like a good mutt would; all for the sake of having security and a job. But you’ve decided to break free from the chain that binds you to your kennel, and run free into the wild and kill yourself.

So here you are, prowling the streets for some dope, hoping it gives you the transcendental experience you are looking for. Since there are so many to choose from, it can be quite the surmountable task to get your needs met. Let me brief you on them.

Weed doesn’t kills people, all it does is make you dumb. Dumb people don’t kill, they spread their dumbness onto others. You’d become a part of the problem then. “Hey man, you’ve like, totally gotta try this stuff.”

If caffeine is okay, then why not cocaine? Its all good man, just give it a try.
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LSD can raise your awareness and provide you with insights you could use to rectify the problems that are driving you towards suicide.

Not the drug you’re looking for.

Psilocybin mushrooms are similar to LSD but provides you with a much more organic feel to it, and rockets your awareness high enough to realize how much of an asshole you’ve been to yourself and others. I would have suggested this, but the rocket doesn’t explode into a brilliant array of colours, but breaks into the prison you’ve locked yourself up in and takes you for a ride outside the confines of your misery, showing you just how beautiful life can be.

Also, a bad option.

Hard drugs like Cocaine and heroin are hard to come by, because they are hard. Get it?

Okay, I’ll leave my bad jokes at the door.

Chances are the guy dealing you those drugs will provide you with some chemically doped version of the stuff. Some have added elephant tranquilizer into it to raise its high to more that x5000 times its base level. You aren’t an elephant, looking for a high, but an individual looking for an exit.

And another thing about these hard drugs is you need to inject most of them into your system. I don’t know about you, but needles absolutely terrify me. Some inject the drug into their eye. Their freakin eye. Talk about Final Destination. DON’T DO IT.

And that is the extent of my knowledge on this subject.

If you ask me, all of this seems like a lot of work, which brings us to the last option,

#10 Death by Waiting

You might as well just stay alive.

Thats right, I took you for a ride. Hehehe!
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