We stay with those who we believe will keep us safe. We bond with them, help them out and hope they reciprocate, by being there for us, in our time of need. That’s the idea behind trust, we study a person, and decide whether we can depend on him or not, and in return for his sincerity, we do the same. But we’re shocked when things don’t turn out the way we predict; leaving us feeling confused and frustrated. Squandering away such a precious resource will land you in some real danger if you’re not careful with it.
This is a very tricky subject, and every time we get burned, we blame the other party, instead of looking in the mirror. Not understanding what it truly means and what it entails can lead you to conclude that all of us are damaged and irreparable.
That is the case, since our investigations into a person’s persona is largely superficial. We judge him by the show he puts on and the words that rattle out of his mouth, instead of what he actually puts into action.
Chad looks like a pretty cool guy as he shows up in his Lamborghini, walks into the house, carrying a bottle of whiskey and letting his mouth vibrate vigorously to draw attention towards him. No one likes an a-hole, but Chad is an exception since he bought our trust over with a bottle of whiskey.
Politicians swoon people over with their brilliant rhetoric; the very people who would love nothing more than to see all the country’s politicians shot on sight. And when the elected politician fails to meet the promises he made, people are disappointed and exclaim, “I though he was different, but I guess they’re all the same!” and vote the same man into power, when the next elections roll in.
Where We All Screw Up
The idea behind trust is quite simple, in fact so simple that most of us miss the point.
You can’t trust someone if you don’t know what drives him to achieve whatever it is he’s chasing after. Most of us have soft goals which are often short term in nature. Making it to the weekend, getting shitfaced drunk, splurging your entire savings on a new bike to show everyone how cool you are, chasing after skirts thinking those are worthwhile endeavours are what make up most of our “goals”.
No wonder everybodys so miserable.
People with soft goals are at best, acquaintances. They aren’t the type to stick around when things get tough. If you’re faced with a difficult situation, none of them will be there to face it with you, because they’ll be busy getting shitfaced drunk and riding an expensive bike after some skirts.
Also, you can’t trust someone if you don’t know what it means to trust. Trust, just like love, isn’t the unconditional belief that Chad will stick around when the going gets tough. Its an understanding of what makes Chad stick around. What is he getting from you? Pay attention to whats being deducted from your side of the table and the rules of the game will dawn on you.
To trust someone, is to understand what you are providing him with. “I’m providing him with my company!” That logic may suffice for kids, but when dealing with grown-ups, its more transactional in nature.
Will you trust someone with your money if this someone spends his day shooting up heroin and partying till the sun goes down? Why not? What if he tells you he needs it for his sick mother? You still won’t help him out? I thought you cared!
You hear this especially after a break up, you might have even stated it yourself “I shall never love another.” People think of trust as a pure emotional investment they believe will last a lifetime. Anything with an emotional element won’t stand the test of time. Feelings fizzle away as its intensity diminishes with time. The woman you loved was the woman she was ten years ago. The man you fell in love with was this confident guy why had this raw vitality just oozing out of him. Those qualities have been compromised by old age and slaving away at a 9 to 5 job.
The ones you can trust are those who know here they’re headed, what their intentions are and what means they adopt to achieve them. If you’re friends with someone who says he is passionate about something, but spends his time making no progress towards the goals he’s chosen for himself, chances are he’s blowing hot air. If he isn’t willing to put in the work to achieve the goals he has set out to achieve, don’t be shocked when he doesn’t show up to help you out when the road you’re headed along gets rough.
If a person is true to himself, he will be true to others. He won’t be the type to engage with everyone, seeing how most are content with squandering their time, money and vitality away, chasing pointless activities. He is careful about who he interacts with, and even if he trusts someone, he won’t trust him entirely. He will keep his distance, because he is aware of the consequences of stepping into another person’s boundary, or letting another step into his.
But even then, he is the only person who can be relied on in your hour of need. He understands the importance of engaging in charitable work, and will gladly help you if its in within his means to do so. And it is natural to give back to the people who were there for you, unless you’ve consumed enough new age drivel to silence your conscience.
Trust is transactional in nature and there’s nothing wrong with that.
People trust for the sake of trusting; they don’t think it through, and do it out of necessity. They will latch onto anyone who provides them with a modicum of certainty, hoping they know what they’re talking about, and mean well.
You can only expect unconditional love from your parents, and no one else. Trust is the bond we forge with others. If you help them, they help you back, and it turns into trust. Of course, that’s not always the case, since there are those that take these things for granted, which is why its rare to find such men these days. He will hide himself and his beliefs from the majority and only expose it to those who have earned his trust.
But Wait, There’s Something Else
Pay attention to that desire of yours, and you’ll notice it is pointing along a different direction. Look deeper, and you’ll realize something.
You aren’t looking for someone or something to trust; what you are looking for is something permanent. Only that which is sacred is permanent, and that we have thrown away in favour of looking sophisticated. Pay attention to what is happening here, you are throwing it away to maintain the appearance of looking sophisticated.
We sneer at anything that’s considered sacred and are shocked when we find ourselves struggling to cultivate anything worthwhile. Marriage used to be sacred. Even now, many sneer at monogamy, saying its outdated and should be tossed aside and people should be able to live with whoever they want and whenever they want, without the state looming over their heads.
While I do agree that the state should have no business interfering in private matters of affair; but to suggest that marriage makes people miserable and hence should be driven off a cliff, will only make things worse. People have the wrong idea about marriage.
In a Nutshell
What gets us into tricky situation of trusting people that offer little to nothing in return because our assessment of a persons qualities is largely superficial. We are taught to not judge a person by his appearance but by what is on the inside. We make sense of that statement by listening to what he says, and judge him on that basis.
Merely listening to the words that comes out of a person’s mouth is a bad indicator of character. You have to watch what he does.
Does what he says, comply with what he puts into practice?Ask that question, and ask it regularly whenever you’re in company.
Discover his strengths and flaws, and ask yourself whether this person can be relied on.
You’re an adult, and whether you accept the fact that relationships are transactional or not, that will always be the case. Reality doesn’t seek your approval; reality makes the rules. Your job is the adhere to them or suffer the consequences.