Humor Me

Ten Reasons to Get into Arguments

I know, I know.

I wrote an article advising you not to get into arguments, and why you ought to avoid people who are hellbent on biting your head off, but I know just how stubborn you can be, so I’ve decided to help you with your decision to voluntarily lower your lifespan.

#1 Arguing Can Be Fun

Contrary to popular belief, arguing like a rabid mutt can be the quite the joyous activity once you put your mind to it. Poking holes into people’s deep-seated beliefs and watching them blow up is rather amusing. If they argue back, which of course they will, you get to poke at them some more, after which it turns into an all-out brawl where you get to enjoy some physical action as a bonus.

Some might call you out for being such a prick, and being the prick you are, you will poke back at them, using your prick. Its when you keep poking at the firewood that it turns into a blazing fire, giving out the heat you desire. And you’re in luck, since people these days get triggered over anything that ends with -ism. There’s enough flammable content out there to give you the kick you’re looking for, sometimes literally.

Yeah thats right, put that next to your head while I’m busy pumping my vitriol in from the other side.

#2 Arguing Gets Your Heart Pumping

Exercise is overrated. Those steroid injectin, protein shake gulpin, 24/7 flexing machines you see at the gym will tell you the best way to get your cardio down, is by getting on the treadmill right after injecting yourself with lethal amounts of steroids and gulp down enough protein powder to give your kidney stones, kidney stones.

I’m here to tell you that there is an alternative that doesn’t involve adding anything unnatural into your system. You’re adding unnaturals into others, which is how you increase your lifespan; by reducing theirs. Also, this requires no special equipment, nor does it require you to drive to some special location and waste money on a membership to enter some creepy place populated by shirtless sweaty men flexing their intestines out in front of a mirror.

This “exercise” can be performed the very moment you wake up. All you have to do is open your mouth and let the profanities discharge right onto your sleeping spouse, who will most definitely retaliate after receiving a wakeup call laced with vitriol. That way the two of you can get your cardio done first thing in the morning. If you haven’t married, then its alright, you have neighbors, don’t you? You can argue with them and get your cardio done right then and there. So what if they phone the police? You can argue with them on the way to the police station.

Oh, you think you’re so tough huh? Then why’d you call the police? C’mon you coward! Face me like a man!

#3 Portrays Character

A man who refuses to back down is viewed differently. Such a man sticks to his principles and never deviates from them no matter the temptation. So when you see a man arguing with his wife for not getting ready on time, and wasting his money on useless accessories and makeup that have done a brilliant job of turning her into a clown, you’ve already understood the man.

I said 7:30! Not quarter to 8, not next week, but 7:30! And why are you dressed like that? We’re going to the circus! Not perform in one!

Fix that up ASAP!

The man is punctual, careful with his money, and married a woman who wastes both his time and money. Also, he fancies clowns. A feminist would call such a man, a sexist pig. Well, that’s all they call us now anyway. Those feminists really need to increase their vocabulary. Maybe we should donate a couple of Oxford’s Dictionaries to them, all in the name of equality.

The words that come out of a person’s mouth can be used to judge his character. And the words that spill out during a heated argument are a definite indicator of where he stands, ignoring the fact that getting into arguments itself proves anything of the sort…

This was the desired outcome.

#4 Draws People Towards You

When you go out of your way to spray verbal diarrhea at anyone unfortunate enough to cross paths with you, it will invoke a reaction that forces him to stay. As you stand there arguing back and forth, people will gather around to see whats going on. When they notice you and realize “Oh, its him again.”, they will keep their distance, lest you target any of them. But they will keep watching, to see how it all ends.

You will be the center of attraction; similar to the Sun that the planets revolve around, as it reaches the end of its life and morphs into a blackhole, sucking the life out of anything that gets close to it. Maybe our Sun won’t become a blackhole, but it sure as hell will, to save us from the misery of having to listen to you argue about it.

Oh no! The blackhole can’t handle it either! It is sucking into itself!

#5 Allows You to Make Many Girlfriends

Men and women are different. They were designed to compliment each other, and by compliment, I mean insult. Women love to argue. They can go on for days without food and water, as long as they can eat your head. That’s where they get their nourishment from. Women crave for the kind of man who can handle her outbursts, and thats where you step in with your sharp tongue and carve out a relationship together.

With women, you let them lead. Let them start the argument, while you analyze the situation and make quick jabs at them with your sharp tongue. She will hate you for it and come at you from every conceivable angle. Don’t push her away, encourage her to continue by refusing to back down. Interacting with your woman like this does an excellent job of making your sex life vanish into thin air.

Lets see whats sharper; my knife, or your tongue.

#6 Makes You Look Tough and Fierce

If barking at another man won’t scare people away from you, then I don’t know what will. Whats the first thing that goes through your mind as you lay there in your sofa watching two lions fight over their tribe and after which the victor kills the cubs of the lion that lost? Do you think its adorable? Or does it get you heart racing? Again, to get your heart pumping the right way, please refer Point #2. Its natural, healthy, and safe.

People who get into heated disputes look fierce. Ever watched Indian News debates? Yeah me neither. I do visit its from time to time, but whenever I switch over to it all I get to watch are a bunch of people boxed into tiny panels who flap their gums fast enough to break the sound barrier. I wouldn’t call that a debate, I’d call it shouting, rightly deserving of a few speeding tickets. Where are the police when you really need them? They always show up to arrest us, but never the real culprits. NEVER.

They look like they’d rip each other’s heads off, which is why I believe the producers decided to confine them into tiny panels instead of bringing them to debate in the same room. Sex sells, but Arnob Goswami sells better.

“Desi” has a new meaning now.

#7 Releases Stress

Letting out all that stress, tension and spit out onto someone’s face does an excellent job of relieving and rejuvenating the soul. You’ve rid yourself of the negativity that was lurking inside, not all of it of course I mean come on, who wants to be completely stress free? You’d want to keep some of it and allow it to fester inside, until it blows your lid off again and through which you get to experience that relief all over again.

Arguing is by far, the most underrated method for stress relieving. People think it makes you obnoxious which of course it does and is a part of the solution. Who likes being around someone obnoxious? No one. Less people leads to less stress, less drama and less reasons to get into fistfights. It’s a recipe for success!

#8 People Will Give You Space

Leaving your mouth wide open like that, gives people the signal to either walk away, or to drop their pants, because either way, they have to get ready for action. When you go out of your way to express yourself, people will get the message, and they’ll receive it well. Well enough to maintain a minimum of 15 feet away from you and carry on with their work, or get to work after unzipping their pants if they interpret it differently.

This is why its important to express yourself, whether it be through art, music, or shouting incessantly. People start seeing you for who you are and shuffle along without causing any trouble. They won’t invite you to those lunches, movies, or outings that you find so boring. In fact, they will stop inviting you out for anything!

And run away.

#9 You’re Imparting Life Lessons

Most of us leave imprints along the sandy shores of life and hope the sea won’t wash them away completely, leaving our family with something to remember us by. With the kind of imprints you’ll be leaving, even cyclones will have a difficult time creating a disaster as catastrophic as the one you’ve made.

By adopting certain behaviors, you are showing the rest of us what a human being is capable of turning himself into if he invests the effort to. You will be held up as an example of what not to be for the next generation. Hitler, Stalin, Mao are famous even to this day because of how they’ve enriched their own lives, while watching those around them suffer and fall into ruin.

Our anti-Führer.

# 10 Everyone’s Doing it!

Who isn’t doing it? To argue is to be alive. And obnoxious. And immature.

Maturity is overrated. Nobody likes growing up, and I know you don’t. Its obvious since we spend most our time browsing on our smartphones, looking for things to complain about. We fish for material we can bring to work and argue about. Everyone contributes, and it will look bad if you come to a party without any gifts in hand.

You’ll never come across another community with a following as large and as dedicated as this one. Well, any other than #Teampornhub. So why stray away from it? You’ve been granted a membership without having to do anything to qualify for it, unlike Pornhub, which charges you monthly.

“Watch the full version in our membership lounge.” NOOOOO! This is daylight robbery!

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