Eight Glasses of Water(Parody)

My mother had a habit of checking whether I have been drinking enough water. This check-up went on throughout the day, sometimes at an interval of every five god damn minutes. Something had to be done.

So I reasoned one day that the human body consists mostly of water, about 70% or so, and you want me to drink more? You want me to drown inside of myself? And here I thought you actually cared about me…

“You will end up with kidney stones if you don’t drink the required amount!, retorted my mother.

Nonsense. I don’t believe in kidney stones. Kidney stone is a conspiracy theory promoted by big pharma to reel in more cash from the uneducated populous. When a doctor diagnoses you with kidney stones, what it really means is they’ve discovered that you know too much about big pharma, and have decided to neutralize you. The last thing the government wants is an educated population. Oh, and did I mention how the government and big pharma are working hand in hand?

I blame Donald Trump for that.

Make Big Pharma great again!

Mother was rendered speechless after I skillfully delivered my thoughts on the subject.

And proceeded to whack me into submission until I drank those eight glasses of water.

Stubborn as I was, I reasoned, but this time with myself. I knew better than to confront authority alone. I’ll come back once I’ve become a general, leading an army of anti-Kidney Stoners in hopes of one day removing the blindfold that has been placed on us by the elites running the deep state.

The Main Problem Starts With…

Besides, who gets to decide what the right quantity of water is? Researchers in lab coats who have tested various dosages with lab rats and who have run multiple tests even to this day to refine their understanding of what quantity is necessary for proper functioning? Why should I trust them?

The way I see it, they’ve been abusing those poor little rats to quench their sadistic desire and cover it up by calling it ‘research‘.

Who’s going to fight for the rats? Who’s going to fight for their rights? Where are all the pro rat-lifers?

Oh! The humanity!

Scurrying Back to Our Topic…

And why eight glasses of water? Why not make it ten? Doesn’t ‘Ten’ sound more official?

  • Top Ten Superheroes
  • Ten Methods to Increase Anxiety
  • Ten Reasons to Quit Your Job
  • Ten Inches
  • Ten Glasses of Water

Oh But Wait, There’s More!

Another issue that has gone unnoticed is the fact that the tests have been performed on rats, and if its considered safe for them, then its also assumed to be safe for us.

How insulting.

How dare they compare us the mere rats! What do you mean their physiology is similar to ours! Do you have a tail? What about whiskers? An insatiable desire for cheese? Do you fantasize about copulating with rats and raising ratty kids? God, I hope not.

Nope. Ain’t my fetish.

In Conclusion

I won’t deny that water is important, but why rats? Okay, I’ll stop.

I’ve already had my rat infested eight glasses of water. I might chug down another two, just to make it sound a little more official.

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